Trump Opens Mar-a-Lago For White Nationalists Displaced By Hurricane Irma

MAR-A-LAGO — President Donald Trump announced today via Twitter that he would be allowing any white nationalists displaced by Hurricane Irma to stay free of charge in his Mar-A-Lago estate for up to one month. White House sources say that Trump was inspired to do so after he saw a viral meme on social media that said former a Penthouse executive had decided to open up his lavish Florida mansion to seventy orphans who were displaced by Irma. Not wanting to be outdone, sources say Trump decided to make his offer “biglier and more betterer.”

“I have made a decision,” Trump tweeted this morning, “to allow any white nationalists to live free of charge in Mar-A-Lago if the horrible Irma left you without a place.”

Subsequent tweets from the president would further explain his decision.

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“Just looking out for my people, you know,” Trump tweeted, “because my mom and dad always taught me to take care of those who took care of you.”

Since being elected, Trump has had what some might refer to as a “cozy” relationship with the white nationalist movement. Prominent figures on the alt-right like white nationalist Richard Spencer have been some of his most outspoken supporters, and Spencer was even secretly taped giving a speech using Nazi propaganda rhetoric and chanting, “Hail, Trump!” in front of a gathering of like-minded Americans in the nation’s capital during the week Trump was sworn into office.

“There were good racists on all sides of Hurrican Irma, and I don’t want to choose sides, okay, so everyone is welcome to stay at Mar-A-Lago,” Trump tweeted, “and all you have to do is show either your klan hood or Nazi Party ID card to get in.”

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After Trump announced that Mar-A-Lago would be open and free to use for any white nationalist, reportedly his daughter, First Lady Ivanka Trump, spoke to the president. She was able to convince him that he needed to at the very least “avoid the appearance” that he was only helping white supremacists, one source tells us. She was able to convince her father to extend an olive branch to people of color, though some looked askance at what he offered.

“Amendment to Mar-A-Lago offer,” Trump tweeted,”will also allow browns, light browns, yellows, and pretty much any color as well. However, POC will be expected to earn their keep doing manual labor and they’ll need to sleep in separate (but equal) quarters.”

The White House did not respond to requests for comment.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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