WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump sent an urgent cable to the president of Mexico this morning demanding that the United States’ southern neighbor “immediately and without any further delay” rename Hurricane Jose to “Hurricane Joe.”
“There’s a new sheriff in town,” Trump’s telegram reads, “and we won’t be putting up with your silent invasion anymore. Not from immigrants coming up through California and Texas, and not from hurricanes coming up through the Gulf Coast.”
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“If you do not do as we are asking, we will have no choice but to build our southern wall — which you are going to absolutely pay for — at least another sixteen feet high. The truth is we have to build the seawalls that high anyway because of climate change, but we can’t go telling that to our rabid, angry, ignorant base can we? They need to hate on Mexicans, and we’re here to give them everything they need to go right on hating Mexicans.”
Jose will be the third tropical storm to make landfall within the last two weeks, and while it has weakened in intensity, officials warn it could still wreak havoc for a region already battered by Irma and Harvey. Trump’s letter to Mexico demands that Mexico’s president “personally and seriously apologize to President Trump for trying to sneak a hurricane into the United States.”
“You send us your rapists, you send us your murderers, you send us your drug dealers,” Trump wrote, “and some, I assume are hurricanes. Otherwise, why is this hurricane named Jose?”
The World Meteorological Organization is officially in charge of naming hurricanes and tropical storms, and upon hearing of Trump’s letter to Mexico, they attempted to intervene.
“Mr. President,” the WMO’s letter states, “While we do not doubt your commitment to protecting the parts of the country that voted for you and ignoring or belittling the rest, we simply must urge you to take a moment and ask an adviser or two for advice on this subject. We at the World Meteorological Organization are in charge of the hurricane names, and they are set well in advance.”
Reportedly, Trump asked his senior policy adviser Stephen Miller to write a short, one word response to the WMO.
“Cucks,” Miller’s response reads.
President Trump’s letter stated that he was “reasonable and open to compromise.”
“Look, if you want to call your hurricanes tacos and burritos and nachos that’s fine,” Trump said, “but here in America, we will give our storms good, clean, honest, wholesome, Christian, ammo hoarding patriot names like Joe, Bob, and Jefferson Davis.”
The Mexican government did not return a request for comment.