Trump Orders Corporate Merger of Kansas and Missouri

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An errant presidential tweet may lead to the first corporate merger of two states in the country’s history.

“Look, look, the fact is that I’m a businessman, okay? It might not look like it given my track record and number of bankruptcies,” President Trump told reporters as he skulked around the White House lawn this morning, “but I’m a businessman, and long before any tweets I sent that you fake news asshole-jerk-fuckface-media are talking about, my team and I were bigly discussing merging Kansas and Missouri.”

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President Trump explained that he mistakenly represented that Kansas City — whose American rules football team won the world championship yesterday — was in Kansas because the merger had been on his mind for “the last couple of weeks.” In a now deleted tweet, shown below, Trump praised the Kansas City Chiefs for playing a “great game” and their “fantastic comeback.” Then, he told the players they “represented the Great State of Kansas, and in fact the entire USA, so very well.”

Within about 12 minutes, the incorrect tweet had been deleted, and a new tweet which expressed much of the same sentiment as the first was sent from Trump’s account. This time, however, he correctly placed Kansas City within Missouri, which is where the Chiefs play. Kansas City, Kansas and Kansas City, Missouri are not that far away from each other, however Trump did not address his error in his corrected tweet. He waited until this morning’s impromptu White House lawn presser to do so.

“The two states would still have the same number of Electoral College votes put together as they did when they were two different states,” Trump confirmed, “and I fully expect them to give me all of the votes. In fact, that’s being written into the merger agreement. They will combine their Electoral College votes and be required — by law — to give them to me. All of them. Once this stupid impeachment thing is done, and the Senate has rubber stamped me for doing anything I want, whenever I want, it’ll be fully full-on legal, I promise.”

Attorney General Bill Barr released a statement confirming that in his judgment, Trump’s plan to merge two states and force them to hand their collective Electoral College votes to him is “solid, legal, and frankly genius.”

“In all our recorded history there has never been anyone to be president who is quite so inventive or is quite the visionary as our Dear President Trump,” AG Barr wrote. “I have every confidence that his plan to do a corporate merger of Kansas and Missouri is not only in the country’s best interests, because it will help him save face and protect his potentially bruised royal ego, but because he’s a Republican president, and I have argued all my life that Republican presidents have the absolute right to do whatever they want, whenever they want.”

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Taint) was asked about a potential merger of states, and he said he’s “initially in favor of it,” but that it does “raise some questions that will have to get answers” before he fully endorses it.

“We’d be down to just 49 states, of course. Which means that we’d need a pretty big redesign of the American flag,” Graham said. “If he can show us how that can be done without a major cost to the American taxpayers, I say we go for it, full steam ahead.”

President Trump told reporters that he’d rather go the route of a corporate merger to erase the shame of his mistaken tweet, because one of his other options was already evaluated and deemed “not good enough.”

“Hey, I wanted to just break out my Sharpie and redraw the lines, but my advisers told me a merger was better and more permanent,” Trump explained. “So, a merger it is. And it’ll go right alongside Trump Steaks and Trump University as crowning achievements in my business deals, mark my words!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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