AIR FORCE ONE — History was made this weekend when Justify became just the 13th horse in history to win the Triple Crown, but not everyone in America was completely thrilled with what transpired at the Belmont Stakes on Saturday, especially President Donald Trump.
“Can you believe it, John? A horse won the Triple Crown,” Trump asked John Kelly, his chief of staff. “Things just keep getting better and we just keep winning! I bet this is the first time it’s happened in what, a billion, maybe two billion years.”
Kelly explained that the Triple Crown isn’t that old.
“Yeah, well, I bet that uppity urban, previous black administration didn’t have any Triple Crown winners,” Trump posited, puffing his chest out a little bit. “I bet that secret Kenyan Communist never had a single Triple Crown winner in his entire two terms!”
Mr. Kelly told Trump that the last winner was in 2015, which was when President Barack Obama (D-Islam) was still in office.
“Well…damn it all to hell then,” Trump said.
Then, a light seemed to come on inside the president’s head.
“Ah-ha! I bet you I know how my Triple Crown winner is better than Obama’s,” Trump suggested. “Mine was much more patriotic I bet. Yup, I think Justify will be remembered as having the most patriotism of any Triple Crown winner in the past because Justify was out there on that track, hoof over his heart, showing total respect to that flag and our anthem.”
Everyone looked around the cabin of Air Force One. No one wanted to break the news to Mr. Trump. However, Kelly knew as Chief of Staff, the duty fell to him.
“Sir, I’m sorry to say, but that didn’t happen,” Kelly said. “I’m not sure I horse can put his hoof over his heart, but hey, you know, I’m sure he really wanted to do something like that.”
Irate at finding out yet another athlete disrespected America, and perhaps even the president himself, Trump flew into a rage.
“Nobody told me that horse was black! Why didn’t someone tell me the horse was black? Doesn’t Justify know how much I’ve personally done to lower the black unemployment rate,” Trump demanded to know.
Kelly informed Trump that Justify is actually a brown horse.
“Brown, black, I thought I was supposed to treat those two the same,” a confused Trump asked. “Oh well, never mind that. Just get me official decree writing pen and paper.”
Kelly brought out a giant orange crayon and an IHOP kids menu he lies and tells the president is official presidential stationery.
“I hereby…order…Justify turned into…glue,” Trump wrote out onto the menu, handing it to Kelly when he was done. “There. John, put this into effect right away. Use the Special Channel.”
Kelly nodded. He took the paper from his boss, and walked it dutifully to the back of the plane. Kelly then turned back, made sure Trump wasn’t looking, and then rolled down the window and tossed the menu out of Air Force One.
“All done, Mr. President,” Kelly said.
“That’s why I love you, John,” Trump said. “You’re always so willing to do what I command you to do. A God emperor is only as good as his toadies.”