Trump Argues Hush Money Payments Not Campaign Finance Fraud Because They Were Made In Confederate Dollars

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the course of the last two years, President Trump has changed his story quite significantly when it comes to the subject of hush payments made to adult film stars and Playboy playmates in exchange for their silence about sexual trysts with then Citizen Trump. This morning, President Trump changed his story once more.

“First I told you that I didn’t even know who these women are, which was totally true,” Trump said in the Oval Office. “Then, of course, I admitted that payments were made, but I very truthfully told you that I had no idea about the details and you’d have to ask Mikey Coham or whatever that douchebag’s name is. Barely heard of him. Anyway, that was one hundred percent truth as well.”

Trump continued.

“Then, of course, I said that the payments were made, they were made on my behalf, but that I remibursed that Coham guy,” Trump said. “That was also true. Then, lastly, I said that these payments weren’t part of the campaign anyway, and that this is just part of the FAKE NEWS MEDIA WITCH HUNT on me. Which is, again, totally and completely true and if you see anyone present so-called evidence that it’s not true, they’re the ones lying to you.”

President Trump then seemed to offer yet again one more excuse for the payments, arranged by Michael Cohen, his former personal attorney, which were meant to keep Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal quiet about affairs they had with Trump. Cohen pleaded guilty early this week on a handful of charges stemming from the payments, and in court Mr. Cohen said he made the hush money payments to the women at the direction of Mr. Trump himself.

“Here’s the thing — even if they were made by me to keep those broads’ traps shut, it ain’t campaign finance fraud for one simple reason,” Trump said, beaming. “I paid them in Confederate currency! Daddy said that he had a whole bunch of the stuff leftover from great grand-daddy’s time in the Civil War, fighting for the good guys. You know the ones in the South?”

Trump explained further.

“A lot of people don’t realize most of what I call my wealth, you know, my BILLIONS AND BILLIONS of dollars I have, is in the form of Confederate dollars,” Trump said. “So since it’s not currency that you can use for legal tender, hair-go, it’s not campaign finance fraud, I’m the best, I will always be the best, and you all can go to Hell if you don’t believe me.”

This story is developing.

James‘ satire is found on: The Political Garbage Chute; HuffPostAlternative Science, Alternative Facts, Not Really.NewsThe Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts, and Modern Liberals

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This