KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This week, Jesus Hubert Christ was overheard talking to his coworkers and colleagues in the heavenly break room while they all watched a coronavirus task force press conference from the White House lawn. When Mike Lindell, CEO of MyPillow, was introduced by President Trump, not many in the room took much notice. However, when Lindell went from talking about the efforts his company was making to help produce critical equipment for medical professionals on the frontline battle against COVID-19 to a something he said he “wrote off the cuff,” Christ, and everyone else in the room, were certainly paying attention.
Lindell took the opportunity to not only campaign for the president, but to proselytize and encourage Americans to “read [their] Bibles.”
“God gave us grace on Nov. 8, 2016 to change the course we were on,” Lindell said, referring to the day Trump won office. “God had been taken out of our schools and lives, a nation had turned its back on God.
“I encourage you to use this time at home to get back in the word, read our Bibles and spend time with our families,” he added before touting low unemployment and a roaring economy under Trump.
“With our great president, vice president, the administration and all the great people in this country praying daily, we will get through this and get back to a place that’s stronger and safer than ever,” he finished. (NY Post)
According to those who were in the room, Jesus’ reaction was a mix of bemusement, anger, frustration, and outright mockery of both Lindell and Trump.
“Tiny Hands can’t just hold a press conference. He needs to have it be a campaign rally because he can’t hold those right now,” Jesus said, laughing darkly to himself. “So what good is a rally if you don’t have your doe-eyed sycophantic devotees singing your praises? How fucking cringy is this guy?”
When Lindell started preaching to the masses about reading their bibles and praying every day, Jesus’ tone when from one of being at least slightly entertained by Lindell to being outright angry and upset about his “sermon” from the podium. Jesus reportedly told colleagues in the room “this kind of shit” was exactly what he didn’t want Christians to do. In fact, he said, at times like these, people who believe in his teachings should “focus on helping first” and “not trying to recruit people to your cause.”
“What good is this assclown doing to actually help people? I’m the one who had magical healing powers back in my day, but doctors are the ones who have them now,” Jesus could be heard nearly shouting. “I wouldn’t go to a doctor to find out if I was a sinner, and I wouldn’t go to my dad to have your tonsils out, know what I mean? This makes me money changer table flipping mad, it really does. That idiot should be telling people to give to charities that get funding and equipment to the frontline battle against the virus. Preaching to people like this will probably turn more people off to Me-stianity than it will bring people in. What a fucking moron.”
Later in the day, Christ held a press conference to address Lindell’s comments.
“I just want to set the record as straight as I can. That Lindell guy is a whack-a-loon. Listen to your doctors and medical experts,” Jesus told everyone. “Don’t listen to a guy who sells dad-damned pillows for a living, okay? I mean, my old man is kinda needy and craves attention, so you’re not going to necessarily offend him if you send him a prayer message or anything. You’ll offend me, though, if you don’t do everything you can to protect your fellow humans because you’re rushing to go start the economy up. If you know anything about my message, it’s that money is less important than people. Anyone telling you otherwise? Well, frankly, they’re a piece of shit. Just saying.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.