Report: Trump Tried to Flush Ivanka and Jared’s Wedding License Down White House Toilet

New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman has a new book out that details events and information she was privy to during the Trump administration, but decided to withhold from the American people so she could profit from them.

One particularly interesting detail that has emerged is the defeated former president’s propensity for destroying documents. Not only did Trump shred records that are required by law to be maintained, he also came up with inventive ways to destroy them. Namely, Trump would apparently eat and/or flush documents down the toilet as well. Haberman’s book alleges that White House engineers fished crumpled up, printed paper out of the White House toilets on more than one occasion.

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Since word of Trump’s attempts to destroy documents from this presidency have come to light, details of a specific document he tried to get rid of have emerged as well.

“The former president has never liked how Jared makes him feel like a cuck in his own home, with his own daughter and First Lady, Ivanka,” a source close to the situation told us. “It’s no big secret that Don feels threatened by Jared’s presence in Ivanka’s life, and frankly can’t understand what she sees in Jared that she doesn’t see in her daddy.”

Late one night, White House janitors were called upstairs to the presidential residence’s bathroom. There, they found the toilet overflowing with what our source told us was “digested Big Macs that smelled like what Jabba the Hutt’s taint must smell like.” After several hours, engineers were able to retrieve a crumpled up, official document from deep within side the White House plumbing system, which was causing the stoppage in the toilet.

“They had to dry it out for quite a bit before being able to tell what it was that Don had tried to flush, however once they did get it dry enough, it was easy to see he’d tried to flush Ivanka and Jared’s wedding certificate,” our source explained, “which I believe he called something like, ‘one of the worst deals Ivanka’s ever made,’ and he said that he strongly advised her not to make that deal, but she didn’t listen to him.”

Former President Trump apparently thought he had the power to “make things disappear or un-happen,” as part of his presidential powers, our source told us.

“So, anything he wanted to make go away, he thought all he had to do was flush it down the toilet, and he’d never have to worry about it again. Apparently he also flushed Don Jr’s birth certificate and Eric’s bank statements that show all the money he stole from kids with cancer.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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