CDC Says It’s Now Safe to Remove Your Mask In Order Tell Ted Cruz to Fuck Himself

ATLANTA, GEORGIA — The Centers for Disease Control has issued the following update to their masking guidance. In the interest of public safety, The Political Garbage Chute has elected to re-print the CDC’s memo in full, verbatim, below.

Since the beginning of the global COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control have worked tirelessly to keep the American people abreast as to which steps they can take to decrease their risk of exposure as best they can. Even when our advice ran contrary to what such noted medical experts as Tucker Carlson, Dan Bongino, and Joe Rogan were publishing at the time, the CDC has attempted to help Americans avoid an infection that could cost them their lives.

With each guidance we released in order to help reduce the spread of the virus, we did so hoping that one day we could see a reduction in restrictions, not an increase. We are pleased to announce that day has finally come. While we cannot recommend that the American people begin removing their masks in every situation, there is one very specific instance in which we can confirm, according to the data we have available, that it’s completely safe to remove your mask.

It is with great excitement that we announce any American who is within earshot of Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) can safely remove their mask in order to shout one of the following things at him:

  • “Go fuck yourself!”
  • “Rack up any frequent flyer miles to Cancun lately, fucko?”
  • “Hey Ted! Your wife is ugly! Now lick MY balls for four years straight!”
  • “Fuckface says what?”
  • “Gotten any shitty haircuts after you fomented an insurrection lately, Cunty Larue?”
  • “Knock knock. Who’s there. Eat shit and die.”
  • “Eaten any tasty boogers lately, Shitdick?”

There could be additional terms and phrases appended to this list. Please refer back to it often, to stay completely up to date.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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