Trump Says He Won’t Exercise Executive Privilege To ‘Smelting Without Dealting’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With fired FBI Director James Comey testifying before Congress later this week, many on the Hill have been wondering if President Donald Trump would attempt to assert his executive privilege and block the testimony.

Trump has heretofore said he will not assert his privilege. However, many legal scholars have stated publicly that Trump’s executive privilege could not be asserted to block Comey’s congressional testimony. This morning as he exited the White House, headed for a mid-week “golfcation” as he called it, Trump announced there was one other situation in which he will not be asserting his executive privilege.

“I was talking to President Steve the other day,” Trump told reporters, “and he said that as president, he and I have all kinds of privileges that the regular people don’t have. Now, as a rich guy — and I mean I am super-duper-crazy rich here folks — I am used to having privileges the plebs don’t have, but Steve made it seem like I’m pretty much a God now, which makes total sense if you think about it.

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President Trump said that Bannon made him aware of the fact that while he’s president, if he wants, he can declare his flatulence to be without scent, and he can even assign blame for them to someone else. The person who gets the blame for the presidential wind break is not legally allowed to protest in anyway, Trump says Bannon told him. Mr. Trump indicated that for several days he thought long and hard about whether he should assert this privilege.

“I eat a lot of horrible food,” Trump said, “and I don’t ever workout or exercise because as we all know our bodies have a finite amount of energy in them, because you know, they’re like batteries and stuff. So the point is all that gross food makes me gassy as all get-out. Maybe it would be nice to be able to let out a real ripper and blame Spicer for it, and Sean can’t protest.”

Trump admitted that he’d been blaming his farts on Spicer ever since he moved into the White House anyway, so that did not sway his decision.

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“But you know what,” Trump asked rhetorically, “I’m bigger than that. I’m a bigger man. The bigliest, really. And men own their farts. I mean, after all, why pass up a chance to slap my name on something new.”

Reporters asked if he was afraid of his name becoming associated with something that is noxious, foul, and most often makes people think of feces.

“Oh, you mean like my entire presidential term so far,” Trump quipped, “Trust me, I’m cool with it. And I can say with complete confidence all my supporters have learned to hold their nose a long, long time ago. It’s amazing what they’ll put up with for their tax cuts, huh?”

Trump then lifted his right leg and let out a squeaker.

“Ah, much better,” Trump said, turning to look right down the barrel of the lens of a camera from Fox News, “It’s good to be the king.”

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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