LAGO DEL MIERDA DE CABEZA, CALIFORNIA — In an interview that could send shock waves through the 2016 presidential election, Donald J. Trump’s longtime hair camouflage assistant, his toupee, Michael McWigherson, has broken his silence and spoken out about just what exactly is in Trump’s head. According to McWigherson, it’s just “farts and anger.”
In an interview that will run in Hair and Hair Accessories Magazine later this month, McWigherson is brutally honest in his judgment of Trump.
INTERVIEWER: A lot of people want to know what is going on inside your boss’s head.
MCWIGHERSON: There is literally nothing but farts and anger under me when I’m on top of his head.
INTERVIEWER: You mean to say that where most people’s brains are, brains that have thoughts, he has –
MCWIGHERSON: Farts and anger, yes.
Later in the interview, the magazine reporter asks Mr. McWigherson if he thinks there’s anything the American public should know about Trump that only he’d know.
INTERVIEWER: Is there anything about your boss that you think the American people have a right to know, but maybe don’t?
MCWIGHERSON: That’s the thing — no. Just listening to Trump talk will give you the distinct impression that the only things inside his soft skull are farts and extreme anger. So, guess what? I’m here to confirm that. Donald Trump’s brain is nothing but stinky, wet farts and white-hot, ignorance-fueled anger. Period. And he’s…not really subtle about it, so I don’t know why me saying it should even be all that newsworthy.
In another passage from the interview, McWigherson seemingly blows the lid off the notion that Trump’s business prowess qualifies him to be president.
INTERVIEWER: You say that you don’t think he’s qualified to work as a door stop, let alone anything that requires actual intellectual thought. But some have said Trump’s business acumen more than qualifies him for –
MCWIGHERSON: Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffft. Are you kidding me? Capt. Four-Time Bankruptcy is a business genius now? No wonder dipshits are clamoring for him to be their president, if people are that stupid as to believe a douchebag who won’t release his taxes because he thinks it’ll reveal his boasts of wealth are all bullshit, and who drives nearly every shitty business he starts into the ground, is some kind of capitalist hero. He’s a trust fund baby, and an empty-headed, bored, playboy attention whore. And that’s it.
His lack of faith in Trump’s presidential attitude and qualifications aside, McWigherson said that if his boss is elected, however, he’ll do his duty and serve the country “by staying just as close to the diarrhea incarnate” as he has been for years.
INTERVIEWER: So if he wins in the fall, you won’t serve in his administration will you?
MCWIGHERSON: No. No. I will serve. I’m a big believer in finishing what you started, and I can’t imagine forcing anyone else to do my job; it’s not fair to them. So by staying just as close to the diarrhea incarnate I have for so long already, I will be saving someone else from having to spend that much time with the mush-brained dildo monster. Besides, it could be the best six months of my life in terms of my tell-all book.
INTERVIEWER: Six months? Presidential terms are four years.
MCWIGHERSON: Yeah. Right. You really see Donald not willfully committing high crimes and misdemeanors because he thinks he can? He could be impeached and thrown out of office before his first State of the Union.
Hair and Hair Accessories Magazine has announced the full interview will run in the June 18th edition of their semi-biannual publication.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.