WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump today gave an impromptu monologue on the importance for all men to respect and empower women. Just shortly before delivering his unscheduled soliloquy to the press pool that was in the Oval Office covering the traditional turkey pardoning, the president first had to set down the pussy he’d been grabbing, just moments before.
Resting the pussy next to the Resolute Desk, Trump stood, took a deep breath, winked at Kellyanne Conway, and began his speech.
“Almost four score ago, I was born onto this great Earth,” Trump began. “You’re welcome. Please, stop cheering, I already said you’re welcome. But thank you for this incredibly unforeseen welcome you’re giving me right now. Let the record state my audience here in the Roundish Room is cheering wildly.”
No one was cheering.
“Friends, it’s time we talk about what it really means to respect women. As you all know, I love women more than anyone could. If you put my love of women on a scale of ‘soft’ to ‘hard,’ you will find without a shadow of a doubt that I love women the hardest of anyone out there. Bigliest hard,” Trump continued.
Puzzled looks from around the room.
“So let’s get right down to it,” Trump pressed on, before asking rhetorically, “How do you do it? How do you treat women with respect. Well, let me tell you how I do it — I treat them like all the other things I very clearly respect in life — like societal norms about making sexual comments about your own daughter. Or marriage fidelity. You know, all the shit bitches want you to be sensitive about.”
Trump starting looking around frantically and said to Sarah Huckabee Sanders he couldn’t find any water. Finally, after a few more moments, he found a water bottle, opened it, and drank from the bottle two-handed.
“That’s better. Where was I? Oh right. Respecting the shit outta the dames,” Trump reminded himself. “I respect women. I respect women more than anyone has ever respected them. Why do you think I pop Tic-Tacs before I move on them like a bitch? Because I’m so respectful, that’s why. If it were up to me, I wouldn’t care what my breath smells like; I’m rich. We pay people to tell us our shit doesn’t stink, our breath isn’t bad, and that tax cuts for the wealthy create jobs.”
Just then, a woman walked in and Trump made a comment about her having a “real nice turd cutter.” He then continued with his speech about respecting women.
“The bottom line is that the best way, and some might say the only way, to respect women is to be rich and/or famous,” Trump declared, “You see, when you’re famous, yes, you can grab them by the pussy. And when you’re rich, you can grab them even more by the pussy. If grabbing women by their genitals because you’re rich, famous, and powerful isn’t respecting women, then I don’t want to know what respecting women is.”
A moment’s pause.
“Come to think of it, no matter what, I don’t want to know what respecting women is,” Trump said. “Which makes the whole point of this speech kinda pointless. But then again, so is my presidency, and the fleeting, momentary life we all live. Indeed, what does any of this really matter, in the long run? This is what I ask myself when I can’t sleep at night.”
Yet another momentary pause.
“Anyway, back to respecting the bitches,” Trump said. “Look, let’s just all agree that while we all aren’t as good at respecting the pussy-havers as we should be, Democrats are the worst. They’re worse than Hitler combined with cancer at it. Fuck Democrats, is what I’m saying.”
Still one more pause.
“WOAH! Settle down guys! It was just one line about how bad Democrats are! Stop cheering so loudly and giving me a standing ovation for this brilliantly timed speech on gender relations,” Trump said.
No one was cheering, and one was giving Trump an ovation.