Kellyanne Conway: Tax Cuts For Rich ‘More Important Than Democrat Crusades Against Biblical Pedophilia’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, White House adviser Kellyanne Conway appeared on “Fox & Friends” and urged Alabamans to vote for Judge Roy Moore in an upcoming special election to replace Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ Senate seat.

Conway seemed to indicate that President Trump wants the GOP tax overhaul plan that cleared the House of Representatives last week to reach his desk badly enough to overlook a growing scandal around Moore and endorse him, without officially endorsing him. Judge Moore’s campaign was largely considered a lock until very recently, when allegations of serial sexual impropriety toward pubescent girls in his twenties and thirties first appeared in The Washington Post. Since the allegations surfaced, more accounts of Moore’s behavior toward young teenage girls in Alabama have come forward, and he has plummeted in the polls.

“Doug Jones in Alabama, folks, don’t be fooled. He will be a vote against tax cuts. He is weak on crime, weak on borders. He is strong on raising your taxes. He is terrible for property owners,” Conway told Fox viewers this morning, seemingly endorsing Moore, despite pressure from Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, a fellow Republican, and House Speaker Paul Ryan, also a Republican, to drop out of the race completely.

This afternoon, in an effort to quell questions from reporters, pundits, and rank and file Republicans, Conway addressed her comments on a popular syndicated right-wing radio show.

“Here’s the thing Joe,” Conway told host Joe Josephson,”Real patriots understand one thing — tax cuts for the wealthy are far, far more important than Democrat crusades against Biblical pedophilia.”

A shocked press pool seemed unable to respond to Conway, and sensing this, she offered more detail.

“I just mean to say, you know, if 14 year old girls are good enough to be Jesus’ mom, who the hell are Democrats to say a word about Judge Moore having the same exact tastes in almost women as our Heavenly Father?”

Ms. Conway believes, she told the press pool, that “when good, honest Americans” weigh the allegations dropped on Moore against “rich people buying their third vacation home” they will come to the “obvious and right conclusion.” Conway said the charges against Moore “don’t even hold a candle to the kinds of disgusting things Obama did.”

“Remember when he saluted that Marine with a latte in his hand? Remember when he had the audacity to put mustard on his hamburger like a Muslim terrorist? That’s what a real scandal looks like,” Conway said, “Not just a little sexual predation on minor teenagers between friends, know what I mean, Jelly Beans? Of course you do!”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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