WASHINGTON, D.C. — Finally back in the Oval Office after his extended Asian trip, President Donald J. Trump put crayon to paper and signed a new executive order, this one officially creating a new cabinet department.
“With the stroke of this wax implement in my yuge, truly bigly hand,” Trump said, “I am creating, official-like now, the Department of Comedy and Sexual Misconduct. I will announce once I finish scribbling my name in big boy letters who I am nominating to head up this very important new department.”
Once Trump had scrawled his name on the documents and handed them back to Chief of Staff John Kelly who reminded everyone how hard it was to do his job, having lost his son in combat but he still did it without ever politicizing his death, Trump made his staffing announcement.
“I thought long and hard about this, and consulted many intelligent people like the President of Guam, the President of North Carolina, and the President of the U.S. Virgin Islands. All of them told me I had to choose between one of these two guys,” Trump said, continuing, “but I don’t listen to anyone but myself after I’ve talked to myself. So I listened to my gut. Which told me it wanted a cheeseburger. So after I had Kellyanne go out to McDonald’s I ate that cheeseburger. And then, finally, I made my decision. I wasn’t going to pick between them; I was going to pick them both.”
With a wave of his medium-sized hand, Trump motioned to Conway who pulled a sheet off an easel that had a picture of Bill Cosby photoshopped next to Louis C.K.
“When you think of comedy and you think of sexual misconduct, you think of these two men, these two titans of laughter and creepy, misogynist bullshit,” Trump said, “and those are the exact qualities I need in a Secretary of Comedy and Sexual Misconduct, don’t you think? I do. And that’s, frankly, legally, ethically, morally, Constitutionally, all that matters.”
Neither Cosby nor C.K. were contacted prior to the announcement, the White House confirmed. However, the Trump administration feels confident they’ll be able to book both men for the gig.
“I mean, what else do they have going for them right now,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “and I’m really excited because maybe they could help me punch up my pre-press briefing jokes that literally no one finds funny.”
The president said he was “bigly hoping” that both comedians would accept his offer.
“We’re equal opportunity harassers in this administration,” Trump said, “and so I don’t care that Louis C.K. called me terrible names before. Predators of a feather get their dicks out uninvited and stroke them off to completion together, am I right?”
This story is developing.