COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and singer-songwriter Jethro Bohiggins is not in a “death cult,” he told his audience this weekend, and as soon as he’s done shooting up Lysol and takes President Trump’s dick out of his mouth, he’ll prove it.
“You hear this new bullshit the Libtards are spewing right now, fam? About how we’re all in some kind of fuckin’ death cult of personality with our Dear President,” Bohiggins asked his audience. “What a crock of soyboy beta cuckery. I ain’t in a death cult! Just because I think people should be willing to go back to work with a coronavirus vaccine and risk spreading the disease to people who could die from it, I’m in a death cult? Just ‘cuz I’d gladly lay down my life to go back to work — if I wasn’t, you know, collectin’ disability after the deep fryer incident, I’m in a cult?!”
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Jethro admits that he “hangs on every word” Trump says. He acknowledges that he went out and bought up every canister of Lysol wipes to inject himself, and then went out and got himself some actual Lysol spray to inject after he got the wipes home and figured out they couldn’t be injected. Bohiggins also acknowledges that he would “literally do anything our good, clean, white, All-American patriot Dear President” asks him to do.
“None of that means I’m in a fuckin’ death cult, you idiots! Just cuz I’m willin’ to die for a reality-TV game show host’s political career, that don’t mean I’m in no cult,” Jethro insisted. “To claim that I am is just more liberal propaganda. How can I be in a death cult when I’m pro-life, or at the very least, pro-forced birth and sex slavery for women-folk? That’s what I thought. Checkmate, libtards!”
Jethro questions the “moral character and patriotic nature” of any American who “isn’t willing to sacrifice their lives for Trump’s economy.”
“It ain’t our economy no longer, fam! It’s the president’s! When he takes the loaf of office as it’s called, the Constitution says very plainly he becomes the controller of the economy,” Jethro said. “I know this true because I saw it on a very informative Prager U video! And why the hell would Dennis Prager or Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity or Laura Ingraham lie to me, fam? They ain’t Democrats! And we all know only Democrats ever lie. That’s science, libtards, don’t at me on that one!”
Bohiggins spat an enormous wad of chewing tobacco into a nearby spitoon. Next, he turned his attention to the fact that he usually has Trump’s dick in his mouth.
“Look, fam, I don’t know how it keeps ending up in there,” Jethro said, “but I’ll say this — I like the way it feels in there. It brings me comfort. It brings me enormous joy to know I’m pleasing Dear President in any way I can. That’s the length I’m willing to go to for this country — swallowing all the length our president has. I do have a gag reflex, of course, but thankfully this president was gifted by our Dear American Lord with a phallic organ small enough to not tickle my uvula.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.