Unsurprisingly, the life form known as Anus Jones is an actual anus.
Some call him Sphinx, some call him Stinky. All of his friends though, know that he is first and foremost an anus. He performs the regular, routine functions that anuses perform, and he is a self-described “asshole,” though unlike most human beings, given that he’s quite literally a rectal opening, he enjoys the moniker and wears it like a badge of honor. There is one man though, that Jones is furious at, and he is taking that man to court for what Jones says is “clear and obvious copyright and intellectual property infringement,” and that man is President of the United States of America.
Anus Jones is suing Donald Trump for what Jones says is Trump’s “naked attempt to hijack the good name of working, clean anuses everywhere” for his own, and to “twist our lovely community into a warped, jingoistic, xenophobic group of jerks.”
“The fact is, that being an asshole is my intellectual property,” Anus told The Political Garbage Chute, “and Mr. Trump is clearly infringing on it.”
When asked by our reporter if he had any direct evidence or proof that Trump was deliberately stealing his intellectual property Anus responded with incredulity. “Proof? The proof is in every single word that trips out of his dumb mouth. Everything he says about immigrants — especially from Mexico — gives me ultimate douche chills. You know, like an asshole.”
Trump’s separation family separation policy, Jones says, is the “height of assholery.”
“He’s putting brown babies he kidnaps into concentration camps,” Anus said, “which is the utter height of assholery. If you look up asshole in the dictionary, you used to see my picture; now you see his.”
President Trump is a man out of his time, Anus thinks.
“You don’t live in America in 2019 and say the kinds of horrid, fact-free shit about immigrants like he does if you’re not an asshole,” Anus said, continuing, “you don’t live in America in 2019 and outright lie about the criminality of Mexicans if you’re not asshole. You don’t imply that the overwhelming majority of broke, impoverished, scared and needy immigrants coming from true abject misery are rapists and killers unless you’re an asshole.”
Jones says that his lawyer advised him that his case is “pretty good,” though proving that Trump directly stole the idea to be an asshole from Jones will be tricky.
“She told me that there are so many assholes in America, just in the Republican Party alone, that a judge may have a hard time deciding who the original asshole was,” Jones told us. “I have my paperwork and provenance straight, but my lawyer said it might be better suited for all of us assholes if I file a class action lawsuit on behalf of all the Anuses everywhere, protecting their IP as well in the process.”
“Whether or not we end up going the class action route, one thing is for sure. We are going to make sure that Donald Trump knows we know he’s acting like an asshole,” Anus told us. “And I’m going to personally make sure Trump knows he can’t just be an asshole in this country without paying his proper respects, even though respect and Donald Trump aren’t phrases that usually go together…okay that never go together. But someone has to shake some sense into him.”
According to Jones, he’s not even anti-Republican.
“The thing is, I’m a non-partisan asshole. Because I think both sides are chock-full of assholes regardless. That doesn’t mean I’m one of those silly people who thinks the two major parties are exactly the same…I’m just saying that assholes abound is all. What I am against though,” Anus said as he was wrapping up the interview with us, “is racism. Jingoism and xenophobia are just different forms of racism being expressed in different ways. Trump is trying a new Southern Strategy — this time with Latinos instead of black people. That sickens me.”
“And I push feces out of myself for a living, so that should really tell you something about that man,” Anus Jones told us as he hung up the phone to start his next shift.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.