Legal Experts Sharply Divided on Whether Trump Will Get Conjugal Visits With Ivanka

As the country braces for a potential arrest of former President Donald Trump, a cornucopia of legal questions has arisen. Given that a president has never been arrested before, during, or after they’ve left office, it’s likely not surprising that the unprecedented nature of such an event would spark intense and furious debate among legal scholars. There’s one hotly contested issue that’s already gotten folks in the know debating what will or won’t happen, and that’s whether or not Trump will be granted conjugal visits while he’s in jail.

As sharply as divided as the answers to that question are, experts in the field are telling us they’re not sure if Trump’s former First Lady will have a say in the decision. And so far, no one has gotten Ivanka to go on record as to how she feels about the prospect. We spoke to Larry Schumway, Professor of Constitutional Law at North South Eastern Western University in Illinois about the ins and outs of former presidential penitentiary ins and outs.

RELATED: Trump Pleaded the Fifth When Asked By NY AG If He Was Ivanka’s Lover, Father, or Employer

“Well, obviously we are in some seriously uncharted waters here, from soup to nuts. Everything regarding the multiple criminal investigations and potential arrests of a former president is so completely unprecedented that I’m not sure how to properly comment on it, to be perfectly honest,” Mr. Schumway told us. “That being said, we don’t do cruel and unusual punishments here, and as Stormy Daniels can certainly attest, sleeping with Donald Trump is both cruel and unusual. Besides, you’re supposed to punish the criminal, not the target of the criminal’s incestuous fantasies.”

While the country awaits word on whether Trump will be arrested, and if or when he’ll be allowed to have supervised sex visits with his daughter, one of his biggest supporters has signaled they’re willing to volunteer to do Trump’s conjugals in Ivanka’s place. In a written statement, Senator Ted Cruz of Cancun offered to “never stop blowing” Trump, even as he’s hauled away in cuffs.

“President Trump can rest assured that the senator is committed to never stop blowing the leader of the MAGA movement, not ever,” a written statement from Cruz’s office states, “and that includes calling Senator Cruz’s wife, Heidi, ‘ugly’ as he rams his angry half-inch as close to Senator Cruz’s uvula as he can get it.”

RELATED: Ivanka Starting to Regret Sleeping Her Way to Top of Trump Organization


After they #ArrestTrump some important questions will need to be answered. #IvankaTrump #conjugal #satire #politics #political #politik

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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