WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump is not done fighting to have his way with the 2020 census.
“I view the census like I view, well, everything, really,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office today, “I do what I went with it, when I want, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. I was rich before, now I’m rich and the president with an Attorney General who says he believes I am the ultimate power in the universe. However, that being said, I have decided to be magnet-Vietnam-nanny-miss and not put the question on the census that seems to have triggered so many FAR LEFT HATEFUL UN-AMERICAN LIBTARD DEMOCRATS.”
Instead of asking whether the respondents are citizens, the U.S. census will instead ask a much more basic question, if Trump gets his way.
“Are you brown? That’s it! Simple, almost as genius as me,” Trump proclaimed proudly. “I think it’s a much more betterer question anyway. I figured, let’s just cut to the chase. Besides, now that we’re in the ‘love it or leave it’ stage of this particular right-wing resurgence, I figured open racism was okay again, and so far the lack of rebuke from my party says I was right.”
Since he took office in January of 2017, Trump and his administration have put major emphasis on adding the citizenship question back to the census. The administration’s motives, however, have been called out even at the Supreme Court, and ultimately their dubious reasoning was cited by the high court as one of the main factors in ruling they could not add it to the 2020 census. Conservatives have argued that knowing who is a citizen and who isn’t could help them enforce the voting rights act, but a trove of communications discovered when a GOP operative died recently wound up divulging that their focus all along was to help white evangelical Republicans win more elections.
“Okay, so fine, we can’t ask if someone’s a citizen, for now. That’s totally lame, and I don’t care that the Constitution says persons not citizens,” Trump shouted at everyone despite being the only one in the room talking. “I’ll just make the question simpler and easier. Good luck stopping me, Democrats!”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) told reporters that she was “sick and goddamned tired” of Trump’s “runaway asshole behavior.” However, when pressed, Pelosi stopped short of committing to taking any action. The veteran lawmaker said it’s “dangerous in the extreme to move with urgency without first making sure it helps the Democratic Party first and foremost.”
“The Constitution gives us a solemn duty to be courageous, forthright defenders of the very same government that it establishes. That’s because the government is the people, and abusing the government is an abuse of the people. I take that duty very seriously, as do we all. But by the same token, taking the morally defensible stand no matter the risk to their career, is already very hard for politicians; for Corporate Democrats is like asking Wayne Gretsky to bunt.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”