Trump: It’s ‘Treasonous’ That Andrew McCabe and Others Put Country Ahead of Loyalty to Him

WASHINGTON, D.C. — An explosive new “60 Minutes” interview and a new book from former FBI Director Andrew McCabe is lighting the Hill on fire, and it has President Trump very angry.

During the interview, McCabe confirms that he opened up obstruction of justice probes on Trump for firing James Comey. Trump had admitted to Lester Holt in an interview on NBC that he’d fired Comey over the Russia investigation. This was a red flag to McCabe, who also said he believed current FBI Director Rod Rosenstein was actually serious about offering to wear a wire and record conversations with Trump. One more, final explosive detail in the interview and book is that several DOJ officials considered checking with Trump’s cabinet to get a pulse on who would support removing the president by way of the 25th amendment, which is supposed to act as a measure by which a president can be removed if he is incapable of performing the job duties of the presidency.

Trump took to Twitter and bashed McCabe, a frequent target of his ire.

As livid as Trump was on Twitter, sources within the White House are reporting that in the Oval Office Trump was absolutely unhinged and beside himself with anger at McCabe.

“You’re telling me he was concerned for his country and took his oath to defend it so seriously he investigated the situation to determine a course of action? He’s a fucking REPUBLICAN,” Trump screamed. “Doesn’t he realize I’m a Republican too?! If it’s not treason to put your country ahead of your party, I don’t know what is!”

MORE: Trump Tells Secret Service To Investigate Pelosi’s ‘Threatening Sarcastic Clapping’

President Trump wasn’t sure if he was having the right reaction to this news. There was someone who could help him determine if he was correct in assuming McCabe was being treasonous. The president picked up the phone, where his secretary answered.

“Hi. Get me Vlad on the Kushner Back Channel right now! This is a real national emergy we’re dealing with, more so than 8.2 trillion illegal Mexican-ish people in caravans, even,” Trump shouted.

After a few tense and nervous moments, Putin came on the line.

“Vlad! How are you sir? Good, good. Hey, look Boss, I gotta question for you,” Trump greeted Putin. “Is Andy McCabe being a total cuck traitor right now? Because I’m pretty sure he is, but I know you’re the one who would know for sure.”

Putin started talking.

“Uh-huh. Yeah. Yup. Exactly. Oh yeah we shredded those. And those. Mmhmm. Those too,” Trump was heard telling Putin. “Did you fire the piss whores – you did? Great! Yeah, that’s what I thought. Totally treasonous. Thanks Mr. Putin. I knew I could count on you to point me in the right direction.”

Trump hung up and dialed another number.

“Mitch! Mitch baby! How’s my favorite reptile? Cool, cool,” Trump said to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “Hey, Mitchy baby. Quick question for you. It’s like, the worst crime imaginable for someone to betray us, right?”

McConnell asked Trump something.

“Right, the Republican Party is the us I’m talking about, exactly,” Trump responded. McConnell started saying something back. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. McCabe is a total loser-ass loser who loses, like his stupid-ass wife. Man, why do people think I’m just a big baby and bully? Anyway, thanks a lot Mitch, love you. Kisses to the baby turts. Peace!”

At the time of publication, Trump was in a meeting with the Presidents of Puerto Rico and Mississippi, determining if Space Force should be called up to active duty in order to neutralize McCabe as soon as possible. It’s unclear at this time what advice the other two presidents are giving Trump.

This is a developing story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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