Trump Tells Secret Service to Investigate Pelosi’s ‘Threatening Sarcastic Clapping’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, President Donald Trump gave the second State of the Union address of his presidency.

Unsurprisingly, Mr. Trump repeatedly emphasized his case for a border wall, the funding for which has been the subject of rancorous and unending debate within the federal government. When the Democrats took back control of the House last year, it ensured that the border wall fight would continue, and the government even underwent a partial shutdown at the end of last year, which continued into this year. The shutdown even caused Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi to postpone the State of the Union speech over security and funding concerns.

Trump’s address lasted about an hour and a half, and while it wasn’t as bombastic as his campaign rallies were during the 2016 presidential election or last year’s midterms, it still had plenty of moments for Trump to ramp up his rhetoric. At one point, Trump defiantly announced that the United States would “never” be a socialist country. While the speech went generally without any major incident — in past years Republican congressional members have shouted at former President Obama, for instance — there was one series of events that transpired last night which reportedly has the president in a lather.

“This morning, the president directed the Secret Service to interview and investigate Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi to determine if assault charges can be brought for her horrific, violent, caustic, and threatening sarcastic clapping,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders yelled at reporters on the White House lawn. “We’re not even sure if sarcastic clapping is covered under the Second Amendment, let alone the First. Speaker Pelosi’s actions posed a direct threat to the president…’s ego and pride.”

Huckabee explained that President Trump didn’t “make a big deal” out of the moment at the time because he doesn’t “get sarcasm in the moment.”

“Doctors have explained it to us. Basically, it takes a certain level of intellect to detect sarcasm in real-time,” Huckabee said. “Despite the president having the best, bigliest, and most smartest brain in the whole wide world, and of any president, especially previous black ones, the president simply doesn’t have the intelligence he’d need to pick up on the sarcasm in Speaker Pelosi’s clapping.”

MORE: White House Doctors Still Can’t Remove Pelosi’s Foot From Trump’s Rectum

One of the first items on Trump’s published agenda today was re-watching the address. Huckabee reported that the president likes to start every day looking at tape of himself. Trump likes to have a container of warm tapioca pudding next to him while he watches the tape of himself. He also like to be without pants, Huckabee said.

When Trump watched the footage, he was outraged to find out that Pelosi’s clapping didn’t seem very sincere. That’s when he decided that he had been personally attacked by Pelosi’s sarcastic response to his call for an end to bitter, divisive politics. Trump had just lashed out on Twitter at Democrats hours before making such a declaration during his address. Huckabee says that when he decided he’d been attacked, Trump knew he had to get the Secret Service involved.

“She knows how unintelligent the president is, from first hand interactions with him,” Sanders explained, “so this was clearly a direct attack on one of his biggest weaknesses — his complete and total stupidity.”

Speaker Pelosi, reached for comment, said she’d respond to Trump “in due time,” but that she had to first put his testicles back away and get her foot out of his rectum, which it has been lodged up since she won the shutdown fight and reopened the government without any border wall funding.

“Don can literally fuck off, like for reals,” Pelosi said, laughing uncontrollably. “Like, he can fuck all the way off to Fuck Off Town and drive the Fuck Off bus to the center of Fuck Off Square and then go fuck himself, publicly. Oh, sorry, there I go being sarcastic again. I better stop before Donny tries to drop a nuke on Fuck Off Town.”

This is a developing story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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