AUSTIN, TEXASS — All over America this weekend, people will be celebrating the achievements and advancements in human society made by the labor movement. While some whose politics fall on the right side of the spectrum may only choose to use it an excuse to grill meats and drink beers, the truth is that Labor Day is all about celebrating unions and the things like paid vacations, a four hour work week, and the minimum wage, which were all secured, in part, by the efforts of the labor movement.
In the Lone Star State, however, a new executive order signed by Gov. Greg Abbott (Q-Gilead) Texans will be celebrating something else this weekend.
“With the stroke of this pen, I hereby designate this weekend as Forced Labor Day Weekend,” Abbott said as he signed the order. “We will gather together and honor the teenage rape victims who are forced by law to carry their step-daddy’s baby to full term. We will celebrate the fact that here in Texas, we value every single life. Until it’s born, and then literally fuck you.”
Parades will be held in various cities and locales, Abbott announced.
“Keep an eye out for prizes, too! We’ll be giving away all kinds of things,” Abbott teased. “Coat hangers. Bleach. Gift certificates to Home Depot so you can buy the materials you need to build a set of stairs that goes up to nowhere into your double-wide. Prizes galore, y’all, YEEE HAWWWW!”
Over in Mississippi, however, Gov. Tate Reeves (Q) ribbed Abbott for stealing his state’s thunder with a “copy cat holiday.”
“Everyone knows that Mississippi celebrated Forced Labor Day until 1995, when the cucks who ran the state back then finally ratified the 13th Amendment,” Reeves joked. “Still, I’m just here to lightheartedly give Greg a couple pokes to the ribs. I think it’s great that they’re going full-blown ISIS over there. Gives us a few ideas here in the Nation’s Incest Porn Capital.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.