LAKE LIKESLITTLEGIRLS, MICHIAGAN — Rock singer and guitarist Ted Nugent never publicly took COVID-19 seriously. In fact, he often called it a “hoax,” or a “scam,” and even scoffed at the idea of getting vaccinated once that was an option.
Nugent announced today that he has tested positive for COVID-19, and says he “felt like [he] was dying.” It’s unclear at this time whether Nugent will end up getting vaccinated once COVID has run its course in his body. However, reports from sources close to the situation are telling us that Nugent was so desperate to avoid coming to grips with being COVID positive that he reverted to his old bag of tricks in order to “get out of” it.
“Ted suspected he might coming down with the ‘Rona,” one source told us, “and he suspected it for a few days. He didn’t want to admit it though.”
That reluctance to accept what might be — that he had contracted a disease he downplayed and mocked others for taking seriously — drove Nugent to fits of desperation. In one of those most desperate of times, he turned to something that had helped him “get out of a sticky situation” in the past. Namely, Nugent did what got him out of being drafted to serve in Vietnam.
He shat himself.
“A few years back, we figured out that Teddy’s got this fight or flight instinct that, well, now that I think of it, might be better referred to as ‘fight or shit his pants royally,'” our source continued. “Any time Ted feels scared or unsure of what might happen, he empties his bowels into his trousers. It doesn’t matter where he is, or what he’s doing at the time. If Ted gets that funny feeling, he unloads a wet mess in his underwear.”
Mr. Nugent was not available for comment as he was too busy shitting himself about doing the interview with us.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.