FUCKWIT FALLS, NEW JERSEY — Will Ricciarlumbo will never, ever put his lips to a bottle of Coke again, if he can at all help it.
“I’m sorry, but if the liberal intelligentsia who run Coca-Commie-Cola,” Will said with a forced laugh at one point during our interview with him, “think that I’m gonna keep drinking their highly-popular, top-selling swill, they’ve got another damn thing coming. I believe in election integrity, and it’s a damn shame Cuck-a-Cola doesn’t.”
Ricciarlumbo paused for a moment to pour himself a glass of a store brand variety of cola. He made a big show of lifting it up and giving us a “cheers” motion with his glass. As he swallowed it, we saw Will fight back the urge to gag, and he continued.
“I wouldn’t drink another Coke if you gave me a billion dollars in money that had Jefferson Davis or Robert E. Lee on it,” Ricciarlumbo insisted. “It’s disgusting. The worst, most God awful concoction, and now that I know it’s made with, by, and for socialists who don’t believe in keeping brown people from voting at all costs, you know, INTEGRITY, then I feel even more confident in saying Coke is over.”
We asked Will if that meant he was cancelling Coke.
“OH HELL NO! Cancelling things is what soybetacucks do. I’m gonna do a conservative boycott,” Will explained, “which entails me burning all my Coke products and taping a series of mildly-to-full-blown racist rants in my truck cab about how socialists and commies are ruining America by allowing a capitalist corporation to protect their global brand with any choice they see fit!”
Instead of drinking Coke, Ricciarlumbo said he’ll sip something else entirely.
“In 2019 I made friends with this guy who was close to Q, and he put me in touch with a guy that just goes by the name ‘Mephen Stiller’ on 8kun,” Ricciarlumbo divulged. “That guy got me a supply of Trump’s piss, which I think tastes better than Coke anyhow. I’ll drink that from now on. And if I run out, I will have no problem pushing Lindsey Graham, Ted Cruz, and Ivanka aside to get more.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.