Taliban Cleric Doesn’t See Anything Wrong With Roy Moore’s Behavior

AFGHANISTAN — A Muslim cleric in the Taliban recently told listeners of a podcast that he’s “confused and doesn’t understand the furor” in America over revelations that a Republican Senate candidate may have been serially sexually predatory toward girls under the age of 18.

Judge Roy Moore, who is running to replace Attorney General Jeff Sessions, was hit with a bombshell of a report from The Washington Post that details his advances towards girls he came into contact with that were all under the age of 18. The story at the center of the exposé places a 32-year old Moore in a room alone with a 14 year old girl and touching her inappropriately while he guided her hands to touch him. Though the allegations stem from contact more than 30 years ago, there are similarities in many of the women’s stories that seem to show a pattern of behavior from the religious conservative who has fought tirelessly to stop LGBTQ equality in his state.

“We keep trying to tell American Christians we have more in common with them than not,” the Taliban Cleric told listeners, “and this story of Mr. Roy Moore certainly seems to show some common ground between us and them, doesn’t it?”

The cleric, who doesn’t use his name during recordings of the podcast to keep his anonymity, said that when it comes to “keeping the evils of human pleasure and vice at bay,” people like and Moore have “so much more in common than we all would probably admit unless under threat of violence.”

“He doesn’t like gays, I don’t like gays. He might pretend to be offended when I say I’ll toss one off a roof if I want, but let’s be honest here — making it so that a gay person’s life is legally worth less than a straight person’s and giving them no reason to want to live from a legal standpoint isn’t that much different,” the cleric posited.

The practice of marrying off girls younger than 15 within the Taliban controlled parts of Afghanistan are what the cleric feels should bring the American religious right to a point of understanding with he and his brethren, he said during the podcast.

“I mean, Roy Moore doing sex stuff with teenage girls would be applauded here in Taliban-controlled territory,” the cleric said, “and there are Christians in Alabama reminding everyone that in the story of Jesus Christ’s birth, the Virgin Mary was a 14 year old girl. So you tell me what’s with tall the Islamaphobia from those folks if we all clearly agree that having sex with teenage girls when you’re a fully grown, adult male is okay because our religion says it is?”

Judge Moore, asked to comment on the Taliban’s podcast, said that he will put Afghanistan on the list of places to run for office next, should he lose the general election for Sessions’ old seat.

“Well, I do declare I never thought so much seriously about immigratin’ to Afghanistan,” Moore told reporters, “but hell, if they’ll have me, I might just go out there and try to get elected to the Taliban government. They like automatic weapons and sexually assaulting teenagers, so we’re going to find some common ground I am sure.”

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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