Summer’s Eve To End Donald Trump Signature Line Of Products

HASTINGS, NEW JERSEY — In 2017, Nordstrom’s, Neiman Marcus, Shoes.com, Belk, Jet, ShopStyle, and Gilt all dropped their business relationships with President Donald trump’s daughter and unrequited love interest Ivanka, and just this week President Donald Trump received some disquieting news on his own personalized brand of Summer’s Eve feminine hygiene products.

“As of the end of Q1,” Summer’s Eve Chief Media Strategist Becky Foley told the press on a semi-yearly conference call, “we will no longer be making the Summer’s Eve Donald Trump sponges, washes, or douches. Though, truthfully, the only product that ever sold much of anything was the douches.”


MORE: Trump to Rename Military Bases After Hitler, Mussolini, and Hirohito


Foley said that the Trump douche “really flew off shelves.” She estimates that her bonuses in the years that the Donald Trump signature line of douches were selling best were in the tens of thousands of dollars a year.

“If anything is certain,” Foley said, “it’s that our customers have really come to associate Donald Trump and douches. I mean, we just sold an absolute shit ton of those goddamn things, you know?”

Asked why the Trump douches in particular sold so well, Foley had some ideas, though she said she couldn’t be “exactly sure.”

“I think it was because it blows an extra amount of unnecessary shit,” Foley said. She continued, “Our customers seem to really like that it produces just an utter torrent of salty disgustingness that’s also somehow racist which is weird for an inanimate object to have, like, anthropomorphized emotions like that, I get it. But what can I tell you? The Donald Trump douche spews horrible racist shit.”

While discussing its sales record, Foley mentioned one feature of the Donald Trump douche that she thought might have also heavily influenced sales.

“It’s also got this really revolutionary feature where it grabs women’s genitalia as it’s working,” Ms. Foley said, “literally grabbing them by their, you know, and doing what it wants to do no matter what.”

Ms. Foley said, however, that since Mr. Trump announced his candidacy back in 2015, sales began to steadily decline. Foley says Summer’s Eve’s research shows that many customers said they got “Trump fatigue” and that they couldn’t stand the idea of him being anywhere near their genitalia “for some reason.”

“It was right around the time of those Access Hollywood tapes,” Foley said, “all of a sudden, it started being a really bad idea to have anything remotely related to Donald Trump on, near, or especially in your vagina.

Sales plummeted throughout the election year, Foley says. The decision to end the Trump line of feminine hygiene products was actually made in the summer of 2016, but Foley says Summer’s Eve didn’t make the announcement so as to stay out of the election. She says Summer’s Eve didn’t want to be seen as trying to sway the election unfairly.

“I mean, what am we,” Foley asked, “the FBI?”

The Trump White House could not be reached for comment. However, at 5:15am this morning, President Trump tweeted that he was “super duper pissed at Summer’s Eve” because his douches “are the best douches” and he warned that Summer’s Eve would “pay the price for their lack of vision.”


MORE: Big Tech Censorship? Pictures of Trump’s Neck Getting Removed from Facebook


Like what you read? Sign up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Tags:

  • Show Comments

i have been using don’s douches ever since they came out and I can definitely say that don’s is a super douche! and you don’t have to do anything! they kind of grab your ***** and insert themselves! it can be a surprise sometimes and even against your will, but once you submit to it, you know it’s the douche of the century! afterwards you totally get the intense feeling like you’ve been royally screwed by a giant douchebag! no big deal they no longer for sale- now that this giant douhebag is in office, you get that intense feeling every day!

Ads

You May Also Like

Pat Robertson Blames Coronavirus on 2015 Supreme Court Gay Marriage Decision

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — The United States Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage ...

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Eager for First Meal From Her Home Trough

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced her resignation today, ...

George W. Bush Farts in Elevator; Jeb! Blames Obama, Hillary

GLEN SPRINGS, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Former Florida Governor and 2016 Republican presidential hopeful Jeb! ...