WASHINGTON, D.C. — On August 15th, 1862 Confederate forces began their invasion of the State of Kentucky. To honor the 155th anniversary of the South’s incursion into the Bluegrass state, President Donald Trump has authorized a celebratory dinner and night of dancing, followed by a special bonfire and one more surprise that White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters would help cap the night and “put the party in lynching party.”
“This weekend, the president will honor the brave man who invaded Kentucky,” Huckabee told the press this morning, “and will have various descendants of those soldiers here at the White House to honor their ancestor’s courage and sacrifice in the name of the states’ rights…to own and keep black people like property. Cuz freedom.”
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Sipping from a coffee mug full of sausage gravy, Huckabee Sanders explained that the president and Steve Bannon, one of his top advisers and former executive at Breitbart News, wanted to help “counter the liberal media’s coverage” of various cities removing monuments to Confederate soldiers and victories.
“It’s important we not erase our proud heritage,” Huckabee said, “because owning black people is wrong, but isn’t it even more wrongerer of us to only mention the people who were willing to murder Americans to keep black people as slaves in history books or in museums? Shouldn’t we in fact pay tribute as a society to these patriots who committed treason in the name of slavery?”
As part of the “festive and menacing” decor that the president and Bannon want for the celebration, tiki torches have been ordered by the caseload, Huckabee Sanders said.
“Mr. Bannon didn’t think we’d have enough time to get two thousand real torches made in time for the party,” Huckabee Sanders explained, “But luckily he watched the coverage of the Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville and saw that tiki torches from Home Depot will be pretty much the same thing.”
She wouldn’t give too many hints, but Huckabee Sanders said the special surprise the Trump administration has planned for the end of the night will make the party the “exact kind of party those honorable Confederate soldiers would have been dying to attend.”
“Let’s just say there’s a special kind of party that they’d be just besides themselves to attend,” Huckabee hinted, “You know, like a party where you string up lights, and streamers, and maybe a runaway slave?”
The press seemed shocked. One reporter asked if the White House was really planning a lynching party to celebrate a Confederate military victory. Ms. Huckabee Sanders just smiled and laughed.
“If the hood fits,” Huckabee said, trailing off.
Then, she thought of something.
“Oh, but don’t get your liberal panties in a twist,” Secretary Sanders said, “We’re going to be using a dummy. Not a real, you know, urban. We’re not monsters, people.”
This story is developing.