BEDMINSTER, NEW JERSEY — In a development sure to send shock waves through government, President Donald Trump made the turn to the back nine holes of his golf club in New Jersey and made a stunning announcement.
“When I get back to Washington I’m firing my entire cabinet and replacing them with the lovely, truly brilliant, genius level people on ‘Fox & Friends,'” Trump announced.
In recent weeks, various news outlets have reported on tensions growing within Trump’s team. Last week, The Hill reported that Secretary of Defense James Mattis had to personally intervene in a conflict between National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster and co-President Steve Bannon. CNN reported in July that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is not “gelling” with McMaster. In July, the White House also saw several fast-paced hiring and firing decisions such as Anthony Scaramucci as the Communications Director. He lasted just over a week.
President Trump explained that the reason for his desire to shakeup and fire his entire cabinet is “simple and easy to follow.”
“They’re the only ones I listen to anyway,” Trump said as he laced up his golf spikes.
As he prepared himself a flight of hot dogs, each with different fillings and toppings, Trump continued to explain his thought process. He said that since he usually “just retweets their clips most of the morning” anyway, it might be much more proficient use of his time to just have the hosts of Fox’s morning news commentary show sitting in the Oval Office or cabinet room with him. Stephen Miller, senior White House policy adviser, helped Trump make the decision.
“Miller keeps losing my TV remote in his sleeping coffin at night,” Trump explained, “and so now I don’t have to get so angry at the little Nazi vampire stooge when he does it. Not when I have the Fox and Friends people right there next to me. God, how fuckin’ smart am I, huh?”
When asked, several members of Trump’s cabinet indicated feelings of relief.
“After about six weeks in this administration,” one cabinet member speaking on the condition of anonymity told us, “the only people who wanted to be here were DeVos, Carson, and Perry. But that’s only because literally no one else will hire them, and Perry still isn’t a hundred percent on what his department does, or is even called.”
“Fox and Friends” host Brian Kilmeade released a statement this morning saying he was “honored and touched that Dear Leader” chose him.
“I will serve both my corporate overlord and God Emperor President Trump with dignity and respect,” Kilmeade said, “and I am so thrilled to finally be able to cut out the middle man and pump talking points right into the president’s ear.”
This is a developing story.