WASHINGTON, D.C. — More than a year and a half into the Donald Trump presidency, Hilary Clinton has still yet to see her attorney or her campaign manager sent to federal prison for a single crime.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions told reporters today he is “deeply troubled” by that fact, and has dispatched “all kinds of resources” at the Department of Justice to investigate just why Clinton’s associates have yet to suffer a single consequence for any of the crimes they have been imagined to have committed, and the millions more crimes where laws that exist only in the minds of Republicans were flagrantly, serially and maliciously broken with treasonous intent.
“Now, I can only assume that Hillary Clinton committed literally every crime possible from the time she was born right up to and through today,” Sessions told reporters at the DOJ this morning. “I have to assume this because I don’t have any of what you might call ‘evidence’ to prove my accusations. But because of that assumption, I know it is my honor-bound duty to investigate her and her campaign until we find the evidence we know exists, or until people forget we didn’t find anything and we’ve moved onto the next person we’re obsessed about.”
Sessions didn’t comment on the fact that two men that were once extremely close to President Trump took part in legal proceedings yesterday that will put them in federal prisons. Instead, he focused on why no one affiliated with Clinton, or Clinton herself, has been locked up.
“Is it because we haven’t ever been able to prove any of our fever dreams, delusions, or conspiracies? Sure,” Sessions conceded. “But does that mean something? Only to liberals, Democrats, and people who care about reality.”
Attorney General Sessions says he “will not rest” until he’s exhausted every avenue of investigation into Hillary Clinton and her presidential campaign that he can go down.
“I will leave no stone unturned, no cross un-burned, and I will get to the bottom of and rectify this total carriage of justice,” Sessions said. “Or my name isn’t Jeffrey Beauregard Nathaniel Bedford Stonewall Lee Jackson Sessions III!”