Sarah Huckabee Sanders To Be Replaced With Dead Cat So Talking Points Can Be Read With More Emotion

WASHINGTON, D.C. — When White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has been unable to perform his duties and give the Trump administration’s press briefing, Sarah Huckabee Sanders has been the one tapped to take on those duties. Today, after she filled in for Spicer once more, reporter April Ryan asked if Spicer’s role had changed, and after a testy exchange as an answer, Sanders abruptly ended the briefing. Within an hour, the White House announced a change to Sanders’ duties.

“Starting immediately,” a release from the White House reads, “Ms. Sanders’ duties will be filled by a dead cat, so that our talking points can be delivered with more emotion, passion, and energy. As you know, the president values high-energy individuals more than anyone, including his sweet, sweet First Lady Ivanka, and while Sarah’s contributions as a dead-eyed sociopath with all the wit and charm of her father, famed comedian Mike Huckabee, have been appreciated, we have decided to go in a new direction.”

RELATED: Sean Spicer Says Obama Put a ‘Sharia Voodoo Hex’ on Trump’s Administration

The White House’s release indicates that they “generally enjoy Sarah’s flat, monotone, soulless delivery” of their talking points, but that they worry some Americans might not pay attention after a few minutes of hearing the “dulcet tones of Sarah’s rank ignorance and dogged defense of her clearly under-qualified boss.”

“We feel that a dead cat will be able to deliver a similar uncaring feeling as Sarah does,” the statement reads, “but with just a little more verve and vitality. As much as we are sure there are millions of Americans who love having pre-packaged talking points delivered like they’re hearing a fourth grader read a book report, we believed this was the right time to make this decision.”

There were other options that the White House considered, according to several sources.

RELATED: Sean Spicer’s Head Literally Explodes During White House Press Briefing

“The White House briefly considered hiring a dead dog for our purposes,” an anonymous source in the White House told us, “but we were afraid the sight of a dead dog might make Sarah really horny like it does for her brothers, you know the dog killing, gravy swilling, fat pig fuck sons of her father? Wait, what was I saying? Oh my God, please don’t quote me! Please don’t tell them Spicy told you this! Shit! CRANK CALLER CRANK CALLER!”

This is a developing story.

You can follow James on Twitter @JamesSchlarmann.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This