WASHINGTON, D.C. — Emergency medical teams at the time of publication are indicating that White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is in stable condition after his literally exploded during a press briefing.
“Thank God there wasn’t a whole of brain matter in there to begin with,” Dr. James Acosta told reporters, “because it made finding what was in there easier. That let us clean up the mess much easier and more quickly.”
Dr. Acosta said that when doctors reviewed the footage of Spicer’s head exploding, they wound the tape back to see if they could pinpoint when the trouble began. From what they could observe, it was when reporters starting asking Spicer about his boss’s comments and accusations regarding whether former-President Barack H. Obama ordered surveillance of Trump Tower during the 2016 election. From the time that the first question was asked by the first reporter to when Spicer’s cranium exploded, Acosta says visible signs of impending trouble could be seen.
“Well, for starters,” Dr. Acosta said, “Sean was speaking really clearly all of a sudden. He didn’t stumble over monosyllabic words. He didn’t have difficulty with vocabulary mastered by third graders. So that should’ve been the first sign. Also the smoke and flames coming from out of his skull.”
The press briefing had been rather average for the most part. But then, Spicer opened it up for questions, and that’s when things got worrisome, say doctors. Questions about Trump’s second travel ban being halted by two separate judges seemed to perturb Mr. Spicer, but it was the aforementioned questions about Trump’s wild accusations of Obama’s illegal wiretapping that sent Spicer into a flurry of activity.
“No,” Spicer yelled at a reporter from The New York Times, “I don’t have any real rebuttal to your question about whether my boss was lying about wiretapping us, so I’m going to just read sixteen news articles in a row, starting…NOW!”
Over the next fifteen minutes, Spicer breathlessly read, verbatim, news articles that covered the possibility of the Obama White House asking the courts for permission to initiate surveillance on Trump Tower. Once finished, reporters continued to ask him questions, as filibustering in a press briefing is non-productive since reporters can just ask another question. This seemed to anger Spicer even more, who shouted, “Spicy Mad! Spicy real, real mad,” before tearing several tissues from a box next to him and throwing them over his head, pretending it was snowing.
“Oh, lookie,” Spicer yelled, “I’m in the lamstream press! It’s snowing but I’m going to tell you that Trump invented snow because he hates black people and it’s white! HAR HAR HAR!”
Spicer’s antics became more and more frantic.
“Frantic antics is not just a great New Wave band from the eighties,” Dr. Acosta said, “it’s a sure fire sign that someone who suffers from rectal-cranium inversion already is headed for a true medical calamity.”
And a medical calamity did indeed ensue.
“You know what, Johnathan,” at point Spicer shouted to reporter Jonathan Karl, “you can kiss my fucking ass. That’s right. I said it. You asshole reporters all think you have some kind of constitutional power to be, like, free, and say whatever you want. Well you know what? Those days are over, bitches! There’s a new, fat, orange, racist sheriff in town, and I’m his faithful steed! Spicy mad! Spicy real mad! Spicy real, real real – ”
Then, a pop was heard. A detectable waft of ozone and burnt hair filled the room. Within an instant, Spicer’s head exploded, sending at least an ounce of two of 89-IQ point level brain matter flying in all directions. Dr. Acosta said using forensic video techniques they could reconstruct where the brain matter flew.
“And once we found that little pin prick sized brain goop,” Acosta said, “we knew we could put Spicy Dumpty back together again.”
The White House declined a request for comment on this story.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.