RNC To Recruit New Candidates From States’ Sexual Offender Registries

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Republican National Committee has announced a new strategy in recruiting candidates for various national, state, and local level elections.

“The RNC is pleased to announce a partnership with the thirty states that helped hand President Donald Trump his stunning victory last year,” RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel told various media outlets today, “and we believe this new relationship will allow us to find the kinds of candidates Republicans clearly want to vote for now.”

Ms. McDaniel said that beginning in 2018, all potential Republican candidates will come from the states’ various sexual offender rolls.

“What Roy Moore, and indeed President Trump, have taught is something very simple,” McDaniel said. “Republican voters want to put people in office that show their high moral quality in ways that are a bit out of the box, so to speak. And that’s why we feel the sexual offender registries in every state will give us a big leg-up on the Democrats in terms of finding people our voters want to support.”

“As long as they aren’t Democrats, our voters will support Nazi doctors who only perform abortions on Christmas Day,” McDaniel said confidently. “Combining the sexually predatory skill sets we know Republican voters want to see with the right amount of anti-Democrat demagoguery should get us some incredible results at the ballot boxes.”

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The race to replace Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ Alabama Senate seat was the catalyst for this policy change, McDaniel said, but she pointed to a “long and illustrious reputation” that her party has for “electing men who preach piety but practice depravity.”

“Newt Gingrich led a blowjob crusade against Bill Clinton while he was messing around on his sick wife with his now current wife,” McDaniel said, “and Denny Hastert was diddling little boys at the same time. Then you have all the bathroom stall toe tappers, the guy in South Carolina that just outright bolted on his constituents to go and have an affair in another country, only to come back and be re-elected. The rich tradition of electing men who preach piety and practice depravity helps make Republicans who we are today.”

Reached for comment, Judge Roy Moore said he is “extremely proud” and feels “very supported” by this new direction the RNC is taking.

“It just makes sense to pay attention to what voters want, and if possible pool your resources,” Moore says. “And those resources may include underage girls, GIGGITY!”

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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