HILLTOP, VIRGINIA — Mitchell McGee is a 39 year old day trader.
McGee has four children with two different wives, and is currently single again after his third marriage ended in divorce when his wife caught him in bed with his Guatemalan maid. McGee considers himself a “proud and unabashed capitalist.” Mitchell’s parents both came from old money — his father was descended from one of the original plantation owners in the State of Virginia and his mother’s family made their vast fortune in the early boom times of the 19th century oil boom.
We caught up with McGee, who also hosts a podcast on day trading and the economy, as he was snorting cocaine off a woman’s breasts. The woman was an escort Mr. McGee had secured for himself using his American Express Black card. He told us the cocaine was the “finest shit money could buy.” Mitchell agrees with comments recently made by Senator Chuck Grassley, a Republican who helped shepherd the controversial new Republican tax overhaul plan through the Senate late last week.
“Senator Grassley is spot on,” Mitchell said, plugging his left nostril, grabbing the escort’s right breast, and inhaling sharply, a line of cocaine shooting up his nostrils. “Poor people just end up spending their money and booze and shit. What a waste.”
RELATED: Super Wealthy Oil Company CEO: Republican Tax Overhaul Means The Government Finally Works For Him Again
Mitchell says that people like him need tax breaks because “sitting on your ass pressing buttons all day is hard, necessary work.” He said the economy depends on “barely motivated trust fund assholes” like himself to keep it buzzing. McGee says if you don’t keep people like him happy, they’ll be forced to take all their money out of the country and move else where.
“I mean, I don’t know what developed country we’d find that doesn’t have progressive taxation, but that’s what tax lawyers are for am I right,” McGee asked, another line of coke blasting up into his nose from the woman’s other breast.
During an interview with a newspaper in his home state of Iowa, Senator Grassley indicated that millionaires like McGee deserve their tax cuts because poor people spend their money unwisely, and on amoral frivolities. Specifically, Grassley was referring to the tax reform bill eliminating the estate, or “death” tax that only applies to inheritances with sums of $5 million or more.
“I think not having the estate tax recognizes the people that are investing — as opposed to those that are just spending every darn penny they have, whether it’s on booze or women or movies.” (HuffPost)
“What is the point of my great grandfather amassing a fortune if not for me to inherit it so I can live comfortably while excoriating poor people who I don’t think work hard enough,” Mitchell asked rhetorically. “Senator Grassley is on the ball on this one, big time.”
With another toot of coke, this time from between the breasts of the escort, Mitchell ended our interview, telling us he had to go meet up with a broker who deals in endangered animals.
“I really want to fuck a bald eagle some time before I die,” McGee told us. “So I know what it’s like to really be balls deep in freedom.”