“It just makes me feel good to do dumb shit to trigger people smarter than me.”
LAKE STUPID, FLORIDA — In a new op-ed featured on the website American Delusions of Greatness, local idiot Pete D’Ooshbagg declared “war on hysterical liberal tyranny” and said he will never again wear a seatbelt. Mr. D’Ooshbagg also triumphantly proclaimed that in order to “own the libs” he’d be refusing to take a COVID-19 vaccine.
“It might sound dumb to you to not wear a seatbelt. It might sound even dumber to you to not get a free, literally life saving vaccine, but guess what,” D’Ooshbagg wrote, “screw you, that’s what. First of off, you can’t make me do either, jerks, and more importantly, I’m an American, white male and if I want to do stupid things that put me and others in harm’s way, I’m gonna do them. Especially if I know me doing them makes up-tight libtards cry big ol’ fat tears.”
In his article, D’Ooshbagg argues that “no matter how much data and logic you throw at [him],” he’ll only dig his heels in and increase the frequency with which he does things that defy common sense.
“Owning the libs is literally all I have after they cheated by counting votes and wouldn’t let us storm the capitol to keep our Dear President in office,” D’Ooshbagg said. “So you better believe I’m gonna keep owning the libs, no matter how much harm it causes me, or how idiotic I look doing it. It just makes me feel good to do dumb shit to trigger people smarter than me. Deal with it, libs.”
In the future, D’Ooshbagg will find more things to do that own the libs, he said.
“I might stop using crosswalks and only cross when the light says not to, because no goddamn government’s going to tell me when it’s safe to walk across the street,” D’Ooshbagg suggested. “Or, perhaps I’ll start only eating expired meat products, because the FDA is just far left loony libtard overreach to begin with. The sky’s the limit, and I have only yet begun to be-stupidify myself, LIBS!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.