Rand Paul Wonders If Black Lives Really Matter

WASHINGTON, D.C. — There is only one, single member of the Senate Republican caucus that is standing in the way of the federal government finally passing anti-lynching legislation. That man, Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky, has tried to explain his thinking to the American people, and to two of the African-American senators currently serving in Congress in recent days, going so far as to tweet at Senators Cory Booker and Kamala Harris, both Democrats, that “lynching is already illegal” and that he’s worried minor offenses, like “slapping someone” would be considered lynching in the proposed amendment.

Senator Paul’s tweet, below:

On the same weekend that Paul’s Republican colleague Mitt Romney took part in a protest of police brutality against African American communities, he was giving a radio interview in which he publicly admitted that he’s “deeply pondering the central, core question” of the Black Lives Matter movement.

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“Basically, I’m just wondering if, in fact, black lives do matter,” Paul said. “That doesn’t make me racist does it? I mean, not that I’m going to change my rhetoric if it does, because, well, I represent Kentucky and not one of the non-slave holding states. But I always like to know where I stand, so if wondering, out loud, if black lives matter makes me as racist or more racist than being the one, single, old white man stopping lynching from becoming a hate crime, then I’d like to know that.”

Senator Paul rejects criticisms that his stalling of the anti-lymnching hate crime sends a signal to white supremacists that they are still in control.

“I reject that criticism. Just because I’m white and I’m holding up a very common sense hate crime amendment that directly benefits white supremacists,” Paul explained to W-KKK’s Chip Chatterly. “All of a sudden I’m doing the work of racists just because I do something that racists want me to do and like that I did? What kind of insane logic is that? The next thing you’ll tell me is that throwing a match into a pool of gasoline on your front porch makes you an arsonist! What insane times we live in!”

The Kentucky Republican complained that it’s “very unfair” to criticize him, simply because he is “keeping the federal government from making racially-motivated murder a crime of elevated moral repugnance.”

“Oh sure, I’m the asshole around this town just because I’m making up insane scenarios where someone is accused of lynching when all they did was slap a black man,” Paul said. “It’s just statism, pure and simple. The Constitution doesn’t say a white man can’t lynch a black man, and I have to ask, why do we think we’re smarter than the people who wrote the Constitution? What, because we don’t believe in debunked racist science like phrenology and we don’t go get our blood let or leeched like the founder would have? Gimme a break!”

The National Institute of Calling Out Racist Fucks released a short statement after Paul’s interview on Chatterly’s show aired.

“For years, NICORAF has made it our mission to call attention to people being racist pieces of shit in America,” the NICORAF’s statement reads. “As shocking as it might be to read that a man a Republican from Kentucky is propping up white supremacists, sadly, we must be the bearer of that particular bad news and announce that, according to our peer-reviewed, highly scientific processes, Rand Paul is a racist fuck. Just like his racist fuck old man. Don’t @ us about this. Mkthx.”

Sen. Paul has called on President Trump to launch a tactical nuclear strike on the NICORAF headquarters. So far, the White Power House has not responded to Paul’s request.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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