MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Russian and/or American President Vladimir Putin was overheard today speaking to his inner circle about comments made by one of his employees at a rally this week in Florida that seemed to indicate they thought people have to show identification to buy groceries.
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders attempted to cool down the mocking President Donald Trump has taken over implying that Americans needed to show ID to buy groceries at a press briefing this week. HUckabee said Trump was referring to purchases of beer or wine, but he himself doesn’t drink alcohol, so reporters wondered if that was really what he meant.
Putin was heard laughing with his team about the dust-up, and was heard saying he’s “never had to show ID for any American purchase” he’d ever made.
“I’m glad I didn’t have to show picture ID to buy the presidency,” Putin said.
“That would have been very embarrassing at the checkout register. ‘Oh hi, Mr. Putin, what are you buying today?’ ‘Oh nothing, just a little presidency is all, Cheryl.'”
“No, I ended up buying the election the old fashioned way — extortion, bribery, and blackmail.”
President Putin was also overheard laughing about Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ assertion that Trump was referring to purchases of alcohol requiring an ID.
“The funny part is, my Little Orange Bitch doesn’t even drink,” Putin guffawed.
“But the irony is I’m sure most Americans will start drinking their meals after another couple years of this clown fuck in office. Man, could life get any better for me, the guy who wants nothing more than to bring America down many, many pegs to our level? I mean, shit, I’m not even president of a superpower anymore! We don’t even have one of the top 10 economies in the world, but this tall drink of fuckwit keeps putting me on a pedestal, and I’m not arguing with it.”
Mr. Putin indicated that he considers the price he did pay for the election — “a night of sexy times with my finest piss whores” — a small price to pay for clawing his country back to relevancy.
“There’s nothing better than spending a few thousand rubles on a Golden Showers party and having that investment payoff in the form of owning the most powerful country in the history of our species, lock, stock, and stubby orange barrel,” Putin laughed once more.
Reached for comment , the White House released the following statement:
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This is a developing story.