Pro-Trump Televangelist: “Jesus Loves the Little Children in Cages a Little Less”

HOLY OAK, VIRGINIA — A televangelist Trump supporter told his congregation today that he’s “sick and tired” of Americans being “bullied into crying tears for kidnapped brown babies” at the southern border.

“I don’t care that the president doesn’t have to separate families. I care that my precious white feelings, and the feelings of my fellow fragile pigment-impaired friends, are well coddled,” Rev. Bill Millen said during his fiery sermon this morning. “What really irks me is when they try to use my love of the Bible and Jesus against my political views. They cite all kinds of so-called scripture and alleged verses where Jesus says to take care of the poor, the sick, and the foreigner as if that makes me some kind of hypocrite or something.”

Millen says that President Trump is “morally and spiritually right” to continue his zero tolerance border crossing policy that is behind the removal of thousands of children from their parents’ custody. Rev. Millen says that “no one should feel that bad” for the migrant families, many of whom are seeking asylum in the United States. Millen says that the Bible “says very clearly immigration law trumps agape love.”

“Key word being trumps. As in Donald Trump, our lard and savior,” Millen said emphatically. “Bottom line is that God himself said that without borders we don’t have a country. Don’t believe me? Look it up yourselves! But I must warn you — the Bible is like the Mueller report. It’s best to just take my word for it instead of verifying anything in it for yourself.”

Rev. Millen told his flock that this weekend he was approached by a “smarmy, uppity, smug libtarded child of God.” The woman who approached Millen asked him how he could support the Trump administration’s policy when everyone knows Jesus loves the little children, and there’s even a Christian children’s song about the very same subject. Rev. Millen says he restrained his impulse to give the “impudent women a Biblically approved smack on the face for talking so confidently to a man,” but instead he laughed in her face and “explained reality” to her.

“I laughed right in her silly face and then explained reality,” Millen says. “Sure, the song says Jesus loves the little children of the world. Red, yellow, black, white. They’re all precious in Jesus’ sight. But, well, the simple fact is that Jesus loves the little children in cages a little less. So he’s fine with this. Way fine with it. I’m sure. I have, like, daily talks with God. We’re pretty tight, actually.”

MIllen explained further.

“Sure, Jesus loves the little children of the world. That’s established. What’s not established is that Jesus is not a cuck; he believes in enforcing imaginary lines on a map above all else,” Millen said. “Does not the Bible say America First? If it doesn’t, we should make it. Because that’s what God himself would want. God understands that punishing children for the so-called crimes of their desperate parents is the most Christian thing we can do, not the least.”

Rev. Millen has asked his congregation to triple their tithing this week. The extra money, he says, will go toward building a wall around the First American Baptist megachurch he preaches at. Millen said the nativity story gave him the idea for the wall.

“Jesus and Mary and Joseph would never have gotten past that inn’s security and into the barn with the manger if there had been a wall,” Millen explained. “Walls work. So we’re gonna build one around our beautiful church facilities, and praise His name for it!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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