Press Secretary Asks Congress if She Can Be Paid By The Lie

WASHINGTON, D.C. —  White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders put in an official Form 4536-B(N) today. That form is used when government officials have a change in their pay rate either up or down. In this case, it’s unclear whether Huckabee will end up making more or less money each year, but she has requested that the taxpayers pay her salary per lie she tells for her boss, instead of receiving a flat rate every pay period.

“This morning, I submitted an official Form 4536-B(N) and have formally requested that my pay rate be changed effectively immediately,” Huckabee told reporters, “So that I am now paid by the lie told instead of a flat salary.”

According to Huckabee, she had White House staff tabulate how many lies she’s already told for President Trump during her tenure as Press Secretary. She said she had an epiphany when the number came back to her. If she had gotten money for each lie told, she might be quite rich indeed.

“I just think I’ll make way more by volume that way,” Huckabee Sanders said.

Just yesterday, Ms. Huckabee Sanders appeared to tell yet another blatant lie. Earlier in the day, her boss had called the U.S. justice system a “joke” and a “laughingstock.” When CNN’s Jim Acosta confronted Huckabee on this quote, she emphatically denied Trump said that, despite the fact that his remarks were caught on tape. Huckabee’s explanation didn’t seem to line up quite perfectly to what the tape shows.

…when CNN’s Jim Acosta asked White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders about Trump’s comments a few hours later, she essentially denied that he said it. “That’s not what he said,” Sanders replied. “He said that process has people calling us a joke and calling us a laughingstock.” (source)

“Man, if I had been paid for that lie, that would have been pretty sweet,” Huckabee said, “or maybe at the very least I should get paid by how bigly the lie is. Like, if I lie about his inaugural crowd size, that’s one rate, but if I lie about, say, lie about how big the role George Papadopoulous played in the Russia election interference scandal, then I’d get even more money.”

After deliberating a bit more, Press Secretary Huckabee Sanders decided she’d just like to be paid per lie.

“The simple truth is that my boss lies every single day,” Huckabee said, “but not always the big lies. I don’t want to take a financial hit if he just spends a month or two fibbing about dumb stuff like which foreign leaders actually like him, or how much Mexico’s going to pay for the wall. So I’d like to be simply paid on a per transaction basis from here on out, if possible.”

This story is developing.

Some more satire:

Huckabee Sanders: ‘Working For Trump Doesn’t Mean You’re Connected to Trump Just Because Trump Is Your Boss’

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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