President Obama Says He Fears ‘Becoming A Lame Duck Gun Grabber’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) told the press over the weekend that as his administration’s tenure runs out, he’s growing increasingly concerned about “not completing one of Lord Soros’ most vital missions.”

“It’s the July of my final year in office and I haven’t confiscated a single gun yet,” Obama told reporters, “and I’m afraid at this rate I’m becoming a lame duck gun grabber.”

The president said that it was “hard enough to inspire [his] jackbooted thugs” to go door to door taking away Americans’ guns when he still had a handful of years left in office. But now that he’s got just a few short months, he says they’ve already started “looking to their next supreme leader” for guidance on the gun control issue. Obama says that he expects “Comrade Hillary Clinton will be able to clean-up whatever [he leaves] behind.”

“It’s been extremely difficult,” Obama said, “having to hide my clearly anti-Second Amendment agenda from the masses. I mean, just because I haven’t issued a single executive order related to guns that would in any way give the government authority to confiscate a single, solitary one, that doesn’t mean that I’m not totally and completely in favor of rounding them up. And those pesky, super-smart conservatives out there have been on to me from day one!”

The extra scrutiny from the right, Obama admitted, kept him from “fulfilling Lord Soros’ commandments” for the first seven years of his administration’s run in the White House. But now, he says he is feeling emboldened by the clock running out on his time in office. He says he has a “case of the I Don’t Give A Fucks” and that he will exercise his “constitutional omnipotence” to make a big, bold move in the next few weeks.

“I’m not going to say exactly how I plan to do it,” Obama said, “but let’s just say that this November, on a certain Tuesday, when a lot of conservative Republicans will be otherwise occupied, is when I’ll make my big move and execute Order 69.”

“They won’t know what hit them,” Obama said, “and that’s the sheer genius of my plan. Then, I institute Thurgood Marshall law and my journey toward the Dark Side will be complete!”

National Rife Association Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre could not be reached for comment as he was “too busy fapping to the latest gun industry profit reports.”

This is a developing story.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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