President Brandon Promises to Go Visit Trump in Jail

Yesterday, history was made when the New York City District Attorney filed 34 indictments against former President Donald John Trump. The indictment come after DA Alvin Bragg’s months long investigation into Trump using his former attorney and fixer Michael Cohen to payoff porn star Stormy Daniels and keep her quiet about an extramarital sexual encounter with the former reality-TV game show host before the 2016 election convinced a grand jury that enough evidence of Trump’s guilt exists for him to stand trial.

This morning, President Brandon surprised the nation when he said he’d decided to put aside political differences and go visit Trump once he’s in jail. Through a spokesperson speaking to reporters on the White House lawn today, the current president said his predecessor is entitled to human comfort and compassion, even if he’s “obviously guilty as fuck.”

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“President Brandon feels that sometimes it’s important to show the country that while no one is above the law, everyone is entitled to human empathy. Further, President Brandon isn’t just president to people who voted for him; he’s also the former president’s president. President Brandon remembers well that when his children were toddlers, they could throw the biggest tantrums imaginable, and that’s why he’s so empathetic to the former president right now, regardless of how self-evident his guilt is,” White House Junior Deputy Media Spokesperson told reporters.

“Aside from all that, President Brandon felt it was time to finally take former President Trump’s supporters up on their repeated encouragement for him to go. He’s chosen to go visit Trump. In jail. Which is where you visit people when they’ve been arrested because there’s enough evidence that they committed crimes. In this case, 34 of them.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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