Pope Francis Says Catholic Church Can Still Bless and Cover-Up Same-Sex Molestations

VATICAN CITY, VATICAN — Pope Francis issued a statement this weekend barring priests in the Church from blessing same-sex marriages. He did, however, approve the continuation of the long-standing rule that same-sex molestations can be blessed and covered up.

As NPR reported today, the Vatican issued a statement approved by Pope Francis denying priests the ability to bless same-sex unions.

“Does the Church have the power to give the blessing to unions of persons of the same sex?” the question asked. “Negative,” replied the Vatican’s Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, which is responsible for defending Catholic doctrine.

The church says its answer regarding same-sex couples “declares illicit any form of blessing that tends to acknowledge their unions as such.” (NPR)

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“We must remain rooted in the traditions of the past and that is why we simply cannot start blessing same-sex marriages. However, the Church may continue to bless and cover-up any same-sex molestations it encounters,” Pope Francis wrote. “No matter how much social norms change, the Church must remain completely devoted to our ways, the ways that work best for the Church.”

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While Pope Francis has not shied away from speaking out against the inequities of capitalism, and has in general struck a more tolerant and compassionate tone, he has kept the Vatican tied the view that same-sex relationships are a sin. To date, thousands of people have accused Catholic priests of molesting them as children, and despite promises from Pope Francis to the contrary, the Vatican has yet to open up their records and allow for a full accounting of the charges by secular law enforcement agencies.

“Of course I wish that we could do things differently. Can’t you tell how sincere I am about that,” Francis asked rhetorically. “It’s just that our hands are tied, you see. It says right there in the Bible, I believe it’s Hephazephaliacus 34:13 or some such shit. It says, ‘Thou shalt always totes cover-up the crimes of the shepherd, as the sheep will simply get over it.'”

Pope Francis defended the church’s position on his podcast today.

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“Hey, it’s not just the same-sex moletations we’re covering up. We’re not sexist,” Francis said. “We’ll cover it up if priests or nuns molest girls, boys, it doesn’t matter. See? WE’RE PROGRESSIVE NOW!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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