Does anybody in America actually give a fuck what Senator Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) thinks about any given subject? New data seems to suggest not in the slightest.
In a new report published in the New American Journal of Learning Shit, a study conducted over the past eighteen months “strongly suggests,” according to its authors, that Americans with IQs above their shoe sizes are apathetic to Cruz’s opinions. One of the GOP’s most outspoken elected officials, Cruz is often found doing television and radio interviews, giving his opinions on issues such as cancel culture, taxes, the finer points of booger cuisine, and exactly how ugly his wife is.
“When the data is analyzed fully, we can see a consistent pattern,” Dr. Benson Hornaydieux of the AJLS said during a radio interview this morning. “The pattern? Only complete and total morons believe Ted Cruz or care about his opinions on literally anything.”
Hornaydieux explained that over 99.9% of the people who agreed to participate in the study recoiled at the suggestion of hearing Ted Cruz pontificate about something. Then, respondents would watch a video clip of Cruz speaking. This gave Hornaydieux and his team “ass loads of data” to confirm their initial hypotheses.
“There were some rather violent and visceral reactions to hearing Ted Cruz speak,” Hornaydieux explained. “A full 65% of our respondents literally vomited when they saw Cruz, and 28% spewed chunks after he started speaking.”
At the end of their tests and surveys, Hornaydieux says he and his team asked participants if they would ever willingly expose themselves to Cruz’s rhetoric again.
“While nearly everybody said some version of ‘Hell fucking no,’ in response to that last question,” Hornaydieux said, “we even had some people open-hand smack our survey takers for even suggesting it. Needless to say, we feel our data is quite conclusive.”
Sen. Cruz could not be reached for comment.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.