God Tells Pat Robertson: No One Respects Trump ‘So Shut Up You Doddering Douche’

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Holding a heavenly press conference earlier this morning, Larry “God” Schumway and Jesus Hubert Christ repudiated televangelist Pat Robertson’s claim that Schumway punished Americans for disrespecting him by sending Stephen Paddock to murder more than 50 people and injure hundreds more in Las Vegas this past weekend.

“I don’t know how many times I have to keep telling you guys this,” God told reporters, “but that senile old fuck does not represent our organization and has not represented for a long, long time. My message to Patty would be to remind him that I don’t get involved in earthly politics, so shut up you doddering douche.”

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As reported by several outlets, Robertson recently told his television audience that the deadliest mass shooting in American history was the fault of those who “disrespect” President Donald Trump and those who have helped America lose its “vision of God.”

“There is profound disrespect for our president, all across this nation they say terrible things about him,” the televangelist and former presidential candidate said on “The 700 Club” on Monday. “It’s in the news, it’s in other places.” (HuffPost)

Schumway and his son Jesus Hubert rebuked Robertson’s supposition entirely.

“What an utterly stupid thing to say,” Christ told reporters, “because just about no one I know actually respects Trump. Hell, a lot of his supporters only voted for him because he was the Not Hillary candidate. In fact, I remember hearing a lot of Republican prayers last year, asking Dad and I to let Trump win even though most of the prayers also admitted that he’s a despicable piece of shit.”

God echoed his son’s sentiments.

“Yeah, I mean, after the pussy grabbing tape was released I was shocked by how many people who allegedly believe in me and follow my son’s teachings still ended up voting for a sexual predator,” God said.

Christ said that “sexual predators don’t deserve respect anyway” so he couldn’t see why someone like Robertson, who claims to be a man who patterns his behavior after Jesus and Schumway, would defend him. Mr. Christ said “some shit just doesn’t jibe” with his philosophy.

“And grabbing women’s who-who-dillies against their will,” Christ said, “is pretty much at the top of the list of shit I’m not down with. Besides, everyone knows under our organization’s guidelines the only time you’re allowed to do anything with a woman’s vaginal area without her knowledge is when your Holy Raping her to implement your deity seed in her.”

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God wants Mr. Robertson to “tone down the partisan bullshit and get back to being a man of faith.”

“I don’t seem to recall telling my people to worship men as if they were me,” God said, “so why in the hell is Patty acting as if Donald doesn’t deserve criticism? For My Sake the dude is the most disrespectful asshole there is!”

Schumway then leveled a litany of offenses at Trump that he said “make Pat’s bleating comically inane.”

“Calling every person who comes to America rapists, drug dealers, and murderers, making fun of a disabled reporter,” God said, “insulting the mother and father of a gold star recipient, implying Ted Cruz’s father helped kill JFK, calling Ted wife ugly, calling black football players who kneel during the national anthem sons of bitches, and telling Puerto Rico they were hurting the country’s budget with their whole ‘needing hurricane relief’ thing? All those things were done by Donald Trump, and they make Pat’s bleating comically inane.”

Robertson was not reached for comment.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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