FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — National Rifle Association Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre held a press conference today, hours after the deadliest and largest mass shooting in American history. During the press conference, LaPierre urged “calm and quiet” from all Americans and cautioned people who want to use the tragedy as a reason to explore the possibility of revisiting gun regulations. LaPierre suggested that Americans “simply forget about Las Vegas entirely” and “pretend the maps of Nevada don’t even show it.”
“Obviously what happened in Vegas should stay in Vegas and not be talked about anywhere else, ever again,” LaPierre insisted.
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LaPierre passionately derided “any elitist or Hollywood liberal calling for sane gun laws” as “un-American butt-mouths.” He said that that it was clear to him the “only way to stop a deranged lunatic 32 floors up in a hotel with a cache of guns at his disposal is with a good guy 32 floors up in a hotel with a cache of guns at his disposal.” Preventing even one American from getting possession of a semi-automatic rifle would be “worse then 9/11 plus Benghazi minus Ronald Reagan’s election.”
“Guns don’t kill people,” LaPierre repeated the oft heard mantra of gun rights activists, “and in fact I have it on good authority a group of guns in Kentucky is real close to curing cancer. It’s true. All you have to do is put one of them in your mouth, pull the trigger, and you won’t have to worry about your cancer killing you anymore!”
Mr. LaPierre said he “personally doesn’t care” whether the incident is called an act of terror, or simply a mass shooting. To him, neither one warrant “any extra attention in a country that values liberty and freedom themed bumper stickers.” Labels, LaPierre said, don’t matter in situations like these.
“Some want to call it a mass shooting, some an act of terror. I don’t care what you call it as long as you don’t try to take away my sweet, sweet liberty lobbers,” LaPierre said.
Firearm industry profit margins, LaPierre argued, “are literally the fuel on which this country runs.” He said that he believes the 14th Amendment should protect gun manufacturer profit margins “just as much as it protects Americans from being treated unequally under the law.”
“My clients’ profits are surely as important as the hundreds of Americans who are killed in mass shootings every year, right,” LaPierre asked.
As the press conference concluded, LaPierre announced that the NRA would be sending sixteen tanker trucks full of thoughts and prayers to Las Vegas, which he said are “all that’s needed in times like these.” The thoughts and prayers are expected to be sent to every hospital in the vicinity of the Mandalay Bay resort. LaPierre is hoping the myriad of gunshot wounds doctors will be treating in the coming days can be “enhanced and amplified by our deepest and emptiest platitudes.”