|Editor’s Note: Donald Trump did nothing like what the headline of this article implies. In fact, he gave a rambling, incoherent tirade that touched on everything from light bulbs to water pressure, but somehow managed to not mention the 170,000+ dead Americans under his watch, thanks to his administration’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic. Donald Trump spoke more about the late boxing legend Muhammad Ali than he did about the Americans who have succumbed to the coronavirus.
Donald Trump dedicated more time to bullshitting about the word “God” in the Pledge of Allegiance (the word was not added to the pledge until the middle of the 20th century in a political rebuke of the goddlessness of Communism, though Trump may not actually know that). President Trump lied about non-existent polls that show him leading in every key swing state than he did about how he will compensate and acknowledge the victims of his malfeasance and gross incompetence.
The truth is that we wanted to take a whack at satire that wasn’t based on trying to out-dumb the Dumbest President of All-Time for a change. We wanted to stop chasing the absurd, hyperbolic ends of his “logic” and “policy” because the man is literally a deranged, racist, white collar crook whose ego feeds on absurd hyperbolic insanity in one form or another. So, it was decided that we’d go with a classic “Opposite Land” satirical news headline where we state an obvious lie as the truth.
Comedy is, of course, best ingested as a complete and utter academic deconstruction of the the art form, so we know you appreciated that “inside baseball” look into the crafting of this, what must be surely — in your layperson’s estimation of humor at any rate — the most truly brilliant satirical news headline ever concocted, and there is no need to thank us. Though, if you do want to thank us, we remind you that the Editorial Board really loves cannabis and coffee. So, you know, just in case you were wondering…
Oh gosh, it looks like we used up all our available space with our editor’s note, and now there’s no more time left to make up some shit about what happened in Pennsylvania today. So, perhaps the best use of the remaining time we have together to implore you all to vote. Get your mail-in ballots early, and walk those motherfuckers into where they need to go, hand-delivery style, if you have to.
They’re going to do everything in their power to make it harder for you to vote, because the handwriting is so clearly written on the wall that even one of the president’s illiterate dumbshit kids could even read it. They can run, but they can’t hide from an angry, informed electorate. Hence the tomfoolery and bullshit.
Is one silly and stupid satirical article going to convince you how important it is to vote? Sweet Jesus Christ almighty we’d hope that you’d already made that decision prior to reading this bullshit. But then again, we’d have hoped that millions of Americans wouldn’t have gambled the country’s security on a D-list reality-TV conman and racist failed businessman…so here we are anyway.
Vote like your democracy depends on it; because it kinda does.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.