Trump Says He’ll Get A Bigger Crowd Out To His Christmas T Lighting

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, in a rare showing of humility and perhaps even a connection to reality, President Donald Trump admitted that the Christmas Tree lighting he hosted last night was not very well attended.

“By my count, there were only about sixteen million people there,” Trump said, referencing pictures that showed a lot of empty seats at the tree lighting last night. “And that is certainly a lot less than the 328 billion people that watched my inauguration. It’s a disappointment, no doubt.”

However, Mr. Trump said that his supporters shouldn’t “cry in their Klan hoods too hard.” He has a way to ensure that a “biglier and betterer” crowd will show up at the White House tonight.

“When they approached me about the ceremony last night, I could have sworn they told me I’d be lighting up a big T,” Trump said. “And I know how much my base loves it when they see giant, flaming, lowercase T’s. That’s why I agreed to it.”

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When President Trump left the White House and found a giant Christmas tree instead of a T, though, he said he knew he was going to disappoint people.

“I figure the reason people didn’t show up was that they heard it was tree not a T. There definitely isn’t any other reason for there being so many empty seats,” Trump said. “And it’s totally not because I’m the literally least popular president of all time.”

So, the president plans on rushing together a new ceremony, one in which a wooden T will be set alight. He was worried, he told reporters, about the short notice. But Trump believes he has the right people on his staff to help out.

“Stephen Miller isn’t a racist Nazi vampire for no reason,” Trump said. “He’s put together parties like this before, I’m sure. ”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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