SECRET KENYAN SHARIA BUNKER — Outgoing President Donald J. Trump may not want to admit it quite yet, but he lost his reelection bid two weeks ago. Thus far, only one of his campaign’s lawsuits has been upheld, and the vast majority he’s lost, watching the momentum of victory carry former Vice President Joe Biden into office. Owing to that momentum, today Biden’s former boss reached out and gave his Vice President some advice on how to do the job; advice that came from his eight years of experience doing the same job.
“Joe, I just want to once again commend you on your victory over Donald Trump,” former President Barack Obama wrote to Biden in a post across his social media accounts. “For four long years, we watched as our gun confiscation efforts were halted. We watched the Trump administration fill the cages we built to put Republicans into before forcing them into gay marriages and abortions with immigrant children.”
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In his letter to Biden, Obama warns Biden to “avoid certain mistakes” he himself made in his eight years in office.
“Two things I can tell you right away that you should avoid like the plague are tan suits and mustards of Dijon,” Obama wrote, “because Republicans are really easily triggered by those things. I mean, to be fair they’re easily triggered by just about everything, but oh boy did that tan suit and Dijon mustard get me into some hot water, Joe.”
While advising Biden to avoid some of the same mistakes he felt he made, Obama also told Biden he should consider adopting “some of the practices” of President Trump.
“Apparently, Joe, you can try to extort foreign governments now,” Obama wrote, “and I had no idea we could do that! Imagine the dirt I could have had manufactured on McCain or Romney, Joe! Look, I say if we live in the new world where we can do stuff like that, we do it. Go for it, Joe!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.