NRA Backs Law Allowing Gun Sales After Shop Is Closed

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — The National Rifle Association has come out in favor of new legislation which would allow for the sale of firearms after a federally licensed retailer was closed for the day.

“Of course the NRA would prefer that there be no laws regarding firearms on the books, because we know in our deeply patriotic hearts that guns are innocent, benign tools of peace,” NRA deputy spokesman Cash Gachette told reporters this morning at a press conference announcing the proposed law, “but until this country is sufficiently un-cucked, some losers are going to insist we be responsible about who gets to own a gun, as if being responsible is even in the Second Amendment. So that being said, we want to show ourselves as supporting gun laws we consider to be common sense as well.”

It’s a “simple matter of freedom,” Gachette said, that forces the NRA to support the new law.

“Why should you be forced to come back the next day to buy your gun, just because the shop has closed,” Gachette asked rhetorically. “Shouldn’t you be allowed to get your hands on a firearm whenever the hell you want to?”

The proposed law, which the NRA plans to help gun rights groups throughout all fifty states pursue in their legislatures, would give gun stores permission to sell firearms in their parking lots at all hours of the day. Supporters of the law say it gives prospective gun buyers a few more hours a day to secure a firearm. Critics say it opens up avenues for non-licensed sellers to hock their guns in parking lots and claim they’re selling them on the up and up.

“Generally speaking, we support any law that makes it easier for anyone, literally anyone, to buy a gun,” Gachette explained. “Why should we discriminate against stalkers, domestic abusers, and terrorists, just because they’re seeking to take ownership of a tool that can kill us in an instant? That seems like the irrational fears of so-called educated people who so-called understand how so-called life actually so-called works. And that hurts our feelings deep down in our ammo hoarding hearts!”

The rate of incidence of mass shootings has not fallen since Donald Trump became president. In fact, in 2018 there were almost as many mass shooting incidents as there days. Gachette and the NRA wave off concerns that they are helping to foster an environment where fear drives gun sales more than facts and a sense of responsibility.

“When we conservatives talk about accountability and responsibility, we mean for poor people and people of color, or poor people of color, not gun owners,” Gachette said. “The fact that you’re out there buying a gun at all shows you have a sense of responsibility to protect yourself from the tyranny of government. I mean, sure, as a conservative I support the most oppressive forms of government control over your genitals and what drugs you take, but you get what I’m saying, fam.”

The NRA will begin seeking cosponsors of their state bills some time later this year, Gachette said.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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