Mueller Pledges To Catch More Witches And Fewer Trump Associates From Now On

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Special Counsel Robert Mueller has issued a statement promising President Donald Trump that his investigation will make a concerted effort to catch more witches and fewer people associated with the president and his 2016 campaign.

“Mr. President, I’m sorry that I got so distracted by all the crimes I kept uncovering within your ranks, and I promise that from now on I will direct my team to prioritize catching witches instead of the myriad number of people connected to you that have broken the law,” Mueller writes.

It’s unclear, but perhaps Mueller might have been motivated to send his letter to President Trump by a tweet the president sent, calling defending his longtime confidant and political strategist Roger Stone. Mr. Stone was arrested yesterday in connection to Mueller’s investigation, and the president is clearly irate about it. As he has in the past, Trump dredged up attacks on Hillary Clinton and others, in an attempt to shift focus from himself and his campaign, which has been under intense federal scrutiny since the 2016 election.

“I’m so sorry, Don,” Muller writes. “While I can assure you this investigation is quite legal, I thought this was a special counsel investigation. You have made it abundantly clear I was supposed to be hunting witches. Oops. My bad.”

MORE: Hillary Clinton Circling Home Of Roger Stone Chanting, ‘Lock Him Up!’

Thus far, Mueller’s investigation has resulted in tens of millions of dollars in assets being frozen, and dozens of indictments, some of which were against high-ranking Trump campaign officials like former campaign manager Paul Manafort. Trump’s former personal attorney and man he once called his “fixer,” Michael Cohen, this week said he was delaying his testimony before congress as he is still cooperating with Mueller’s investigation, in attempt to reduce his own sentence after pleading guilty to multiple campaign finance crimes.

In his letter, Mr. Mueller gives Trump some “suggestions for the future” if he wishes to stay out of the cross hairs of a criminal FBI investigation.

“Just a couple of quick tips, Don,” Mueller writes. “First, hire fewer white collar criminals who are very obviously helping Russian oligarchs launder cash. Next, and this one might be really hard for you, but, well…shut the fuck up, Donny. I’d say a good half of my rock solid, air tight obstruction case comes from you literally not being able to keep your mouth shut. If you were to, again, just shut the fuck up and let me do my job, I wouldn’t have to stop hunting witches so I can investigate even more of your obstruction, dude.”

The White House did not comment on this developing story.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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