WASHINGTON, D.C. — Special Counsel Robert Mueller has issued a statement promising President Donald Trump that his investigation will make a concerted effort to catch more witches and fewer people associated with the president and his 2016 campaign.
“Mr. President, I’m sorry that I got so distracted by all the crimes I kept uncovering within your ranks, and I promise that from now on I will direct my team to prioritize catching witches instead of the myriad number of people connected to you that have broken the law,” Mueller writes.
It’s unclear, but perhaps Mueller might have been motivated to send his letter to President Trump by a Sunday morning tweet the president sent, calling Muellers’ investigation “illegal” and a “witch hunt.”
The illegal Mueller Witch Hunt continues in search of a crime. There was never Collusion with Russia, except by the Clinton campaign, so the 17 Angry Democrats are looking at anything they can find. Very unfair and BAD for the country. ALSO, not allowed under the LAW!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 16, 2018
“I’m so sorry, Don,” Muller writes. “While I can assure you this investigation is quite legal, I thought this was a special counsel investigation. You have made it abundantly clear I was supposed to be hunting witches. Oops. My bad.”
In his letter, Mr. Mueller gives Trump some “suggestions for the future” if he wishes to stay out of the cross hairs of a criminal FBI investigation.
“Just a couple of quick tips, Don,” Mueller writes. “First, hire fewer white collar criminals who are very obviously helping Russian oligarchs launder cash. Next, and this one might be really hard for you, but, well…shut the fuck up, Donny. I’d say a good half of my rock solid, air tight obstruction case comes from you literally not being able to keep your mouth shut. If you were to, again, just shut the fuck up and let me do my job, I wouldn’t have to stop hunting witches so I can investigate even more of your obstruction, dude.”
The White House did not comment on this developing story.