WASHINGTON, D.C. — Special Counsel Robert Mueller has issued a statement promising President Donald Trump that his investigation will make a concerted effort to catch more witches and fewer people associated with the president and his 2016 campaign.
“Mr. President, I’m sorry that I got so distracted by all the crimes I kept uncovering within your ranks, and I promise that from now on I will direct my team to prioritize catching witches instead of the myriad number of people connected to you that have broken the law,” Mueller writes.
It’s unclear, but perhaps Mueller might have been motivated to send his letter to President Trump by a tweet the president sent, calling defending his longtime confidant and political strategist Roger Stone. Mr. Stone was arrested yesterday in connection to Mueller’s investigation, and the president is clearly irate about it. As he has in the past, Trump dredged up attacks on Hillary Clinton and others, in an attempt to shift focus from himself and his campaign, which has been under intense federal scrutiny since the 2016 election.
If Roger Stone was indicted for lying to Congress, what about the lying done by Comey, Brennan, Clapper, Lisa Page & lover, Baker and soooo many others? What about Hillary to FBI and her 33,000 deleted Emails? What about Lisa & Peter’s deleted texts & Wiener’s laptop? Much more!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 26, 2019
“I’m so sorry, Don,” Muller writes. “While I can assure you this investigation is quite legal, I thought this was a special counsel investigation. You have made it abundantly clear I was supposed to be hunting witches. Oops. My bad.”
Thus far, Mueller’s investigation has resulted in tens of millions of dollars in assets being frozen, and dozens of indictments, some of which were against high-ranking Trump campaign officials like former campaign manager Paul Manafort. Trump’s former personal attorney and man he once called his “fixer,” Michael Cohen, this week said he was delaying his testimony before congress as he is still cooperating with Mueller’s investigation, in attempt to reduce his own sentence after pleading guilty to multiple campaign finance crimes.
In his letter, Mr. Mueller gives Trump some “suggestions for the future” if he wishes to stay out of the cross hairs of a criminal FBI investigation.
“Just a couple of quick tips, Don,” Mueller writes. “First, hire fewer white collar criminals who are very obviously helping Russian oligarchs launder cash. Next, and this one might be really hard for you, but, well…shut the fuck up, Donny. I’d say a good half of my rock solid, air tight obstruction case comes from you literally not being able to keep your mouth shut. If you were to, again, just shut the fuck up and let me do my job, I wouldn’t have to stop hunting witches so I can investigate even more of your obstruction, dude.”
The White House did not comment on this developing story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.