MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — The government of Mexico reportedly sent the White House an updated Excel spreadsheet this morning, detailing exactly how much they’ve contributed to building a wall between the two countries since President Trump took office in January 2017.
“Mr. President,” Mexico wrote in an email to which the spreadsheet was attached, “it gives us great pleasure to send you this newly compiled spreadsheet. It contains the most accurate data up to this very moment re: our country’s financial contribution toward the monument to your racism and xenophobia.”
The spreadsheet, named “El Pinche Douchebag’s Wall,” is quite detailed. It’s a line item audit of every rivet, nail, screw, or bag of concrete that Mexico helped pay for. The spreadsheet is also completely and totally empty.
“What in the…wait…IVANKA WAKE UP,” the president was overheard shouting from within president’s bedroom this morning. “WAKE UP IVANKA! I need to you to look at this spreadsheet and tell me if you see anything on it. Mexico sent me this goddamn spreadsheet of how much they’ve paid for my big, beautiful wall so far, and I can’t see anything on it.”
The First Lady Daughter confirmed she also saw no data on the spreadsheet.
“This has to be some sort of mistake,” Trump bellowed, “it has to be. Those idiots prolly sent it before they hit ‘Save.’ I’m told you have to save files on computers. I wouldn’t know myself…too nerdy. But I’m told that.”
Trump picked up the bedside phone and got through to the operator.
“Get a message to Mnuchin,” the president ordered. “I want him to have Mexico send us the spreadsheet again, and tell them they were missing data on this last one.”
A few hours later, Trump received another email from the government of Mexico.
“El Gran Naranjo, greetings and we hope you are feeling your most pussy-grabbingest,” Mexico wrote. “We understand you were under the impression there was something amiss with the first spreadsheet we sent you. This caused us great alarm, thinking perhaps we sent one erroneously. However, we checked the attachment, and can confirm at this time you absolutely got the correct and most accurate spreadsheet we have on the subject. Thanks, and have a great day!”
The president was apparently still not convinced. He once again directed his administration to make contact with the government of Mexico. Trump demanded to know where the “correct and proper” spreadsheet could be found.
“Maybe Mexican math is different than American math,” Trump supposed. “If that’s the case, I can totally understand. But otherwise, this makes no sense to me. I need you all to get through to Capt. Mexico, or President Mexican, whatever his name is, and find out where my spreadsheet is. The good spreadsheet. The correct and proper one. Get on it! NOW NOW NOW!”
Once more, a few hours later, Trump’s iPhone alerted him to another email from Mexico. The president couldn’t open the email fast enough, giddy to see how much of a political victory he was going to be able to claim over his rival Democrats. Trump eagerly rubbed his hands together, counting the billions as the spreadsheet opened.
Except it was, once again, completely empty. Trump fired off yet another angry email to the Mexican government. This time, the email’s text was all in caps.
“Que chingas, Trump? Why do you keep asking us for copies of the same spreadsheet? This one is totally and completely verified,” Mexico wrote. “Every single line has been meticulously verified, double-checked, and now triple checked. There is nothing wrong, incorrect, or amiss about anything on this spreadsheet. We kindly ask that you stop emailing us on this subject as we now consider the topic closed for discussion until the next time that we update our figures. Thanks so much, y via con diablos, chingador.”
The White House has yet to respond to the final email, but sources say the president is still convinced there’s a spreadsheet somewhere that has the numbers he was expecting to find on it.
“Maybe it’s where Previous Black Administration’s real birth certificate is,” Trump could be heard saying. “Or maybe they put the real spreadsheet in a vault with video of ten trillion illegal Mexicans voting in California. But we’ll find it. By God, we’ll find it. And if we don’t find it, we’ll tell people we found it and pretend we can’t hear them or call them fake news enemies of the people when they ask to see it.”
<Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.