Mexico’s President: “When America Sends Its Condolences, It Doesn’t Send Them From Their Best”

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO — An earthquake rocked Central Mexico yesterday, killing over 200 people and injuring many more. The quake, measured at a devastating 7.1 on the Richter scale, leveled buildings and schools. Just a few days ago, another quake, a larger 8.1 magnitude quake struck off the country’s southern coastline, resulting in at least another 90 people dying. Experts haven’t estimated what the financial costs to rebuild and recover from the quakes will be, but it can be safely assumed to be in the hundreds of millions, if not billions of dollars.

In a cruel twist of fate, yesterday’s quake came exactly thirty-two years after one of Mexico’s other most deadly quakes in its history. Taking to his favorite communication platform, Twitter, President Donald J. Trump tweeted condolences and a message of support to Mexico and the Mexican people. His tweet is below.


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In a statement issued by the Mexican president this morning, President Enrique Peña Nieto thanked Trump for his “kindness and sympathy,” but also lamented the fact that Mr. Trump’s empathy doesn’t seem to be consistent, at least when it comes to dealing with the United States’ southern neighbor.

“We’re just so thrilled and honored that guy who thinks the overwhelming majority of us are thieving, raping, drug pushing murderers is ‘with’ us. No. Really. We are,” President Neito said in a written statement.

President Nieto seemed to long for the days when Trump’s predecessor was in office. He indicated that with President Obama, Mexico knew what to expect every time the two countries had a reason to work together or hold talks and meetings. Now, Nieto said, things have changed since January.

“It used to be when we’d get messages of sympathy from America, they came from one of the best spoken, clearly articulate orators we’ve seen on the international stage,” Nieto said, “Now, though, when America sends its condolences, it doesn’t send them from their very best.”

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Nieto further explained himself at a press conference later in the morning.

“Well, what I meant is that America now sends condolences from the hearts of men who are sexual predators, racists, xenophobes, plutocrats, misanthropes, and corrupt Russian puppets,” President Nieto explained, “and some in the administration, I assume, are good people. But I suppose, the point is that when the chips are down, you’ll take kindness anywhere you can get it, even if it’s from someone who has spit in your face in the past.”

The White House did not respond to Mr. Nieto’s statements by the time of publication and did not respond to requests for comment.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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