MENSA Finds “Genius” Donald Trump’s Membership Card

ARLINGTON, TEXAS — The executive team of American MENSA, a long-running organization whose membership is comprised of geniuses, has released a statement following a series of tweets this morning from the President of the United States.

In three separate tweets, President Donald Trump incorrectly stated that there has been no evidence of collusion between his campaign — which has seen a handful of people indicted for making false statements to the FBI and other charges. Trump also made some claims that many found dubious at best, about his own intellect and mental stability. Just a few days ago, Trump was taunting North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un with extremely thinly-veiled threats of nuclear warfare.

The president’s tweets, in succession, follow below.

Trump’s tweets were likely inspired by talk of his mental stability in the wake of Michael Wolff’s explosive new tell-all exposè of the first year of the Trump White House. Several passages in Wolff’s books describe a president who gets caught in rhetorical loops, that lashes out at the smallest provocation, and that has to be lied to about what his powers are to stop him from creating constitutional crises.

Initially Mr. Trump tried to threaten Wolff with a lawsuit, and tried to get its publisher to cancel publication. However, instead publication was moved up by a couple days to meet the growing demand for the book.

The claim that Trump made that he is a genius flooded Mensa’s phone banks, a spokesperson said. They were initially caught off-guard, but decided to help Trump, and indeed perhaps the nation, determine in their own small way if the claim is true. They began searching for his membership in their databases.

“We started doing an extensive search for not only the president, but anyone within six generations of him, who might have belonged to our organization,” the MENSA spokesman told several outlets via e-mail. “And obviously none of his three eldest children even remotely would qualify. We’re pretty sure Eric would have a hard time outwitting a literal bag of rocks.”

Surprisingly, the researchers at MENSA were able to find Trump’s membership, buried in a database they say it took a long time to find.

“We found Donald Trump’s membership card in a database that we’re pretty sure not a lot of people have been using for quite some time,” MENSA’s spokesperson said. “Oh, not to our organization, no. We found his Blockbuster membership card, and are looking for a way to get it back to him. Only a moron declares themselves a genius when there is ample public evidence quite to the contrary, after all.”

This story is developing.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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